In regards to the last little while... Most of all, sweeping.

I do realize it's been a long time since I last posted, but every time I thought I had something to say I didn't think it was overly worth typing out for the masses (okay, the possibly ten people who read this) to hear about... However, plenty has happened, so a brief update would be in order.
I now, somehow, have a job... Much searching since I moved back down from Kamloops finally resulted in something I'm happy to work at. But getting there sure wasn't what I would've expected. I've been interviewing counselling-type persons for the last little while, making sure it's a field I should get into and finding the best way for me to get into it. This most recently led me to a lovely lady who had previously been an SFU undergrad, went to UBC, and is now doing counselling (i.e. pretty much the exact path I'm wanting to take). Well, she also works for a company called Connexus. So the meeting happens on a cloudy but eventful Wednesday; not a whole lot happened during the day (as was typical to my unemployed lifestyle). I had a Bible study in the evening, studying James with a few people in the residences up here. Interestingly, each week after this Bible study I typically had the most productive times getting further in my search for employment: I would arrive home to phone calls or e-mail from employers, discover another job postings website, even somehow expand my network of contacts once in awhile. Being no different, I was doing a usual scan of the job postings and suddenly stumbled across a posting from Connexus Family and Children's Services, the same place I had been only that afternoon for an informational interview. The job required a myriad of qualifications, a number of which I didn't have, and was heavily into working with adolescents/children, which I cannot say entered the positives column of my pro-con list (if I were actually to have done one). But it was firmly in the realm of my experience and something told me that God was in the details of this one. So despite being apprehensive and figuring I wouldn't possibly get an interview I decided I might as well send off my resume and cover letter once again into what so many job-seekers experience as a sea of lifelessness. This being akin to having been stranded on an island full of bottles and paper where you just keep throwin em out to sea and they keep on getting washed back onto shore. I guess I threw this one at the right time. An interview happened shortly thereafter. Me being the mouse-like confidence person I am in interviews, I figured there was absolutely no way I'm getting a job out of this, so I decided to go in there and answer honestly but let God guide me if He so chooses. Three questions into the interview and one of the interviewers says "this is going better than I expected, I need to go get someone else to sit in on this"... Now there were three. I have enough trouble speaking to one, and now there were three question-asking answer-writing people who each may or may not be liking any and all of my responses. Fun people but you have to realize how incredibly panicked I wanted to get in this situation. I was almost afraid of drinking the water cause my hand might shake too much. Interview over, I thought that there might be some possibility of them getting back to me. SOME possibility. More along the lines of a 30-40% chance... I wasn't holding out hope. As it so happens, God works often enough whether we think He will or not. Hence, I now work in a group home with very unique adolescents. It is probably the most challenging job I have ever encountered; the most potential for things to go wrong, perhaps less potential for things to get better for these kids. But when things go right, they can really impact strongly the progress they are making. I've only been there for a few weeks now and it's still frightening for me, but more in the let's-see-how-God-works-today kinda way and less of the oh-$@#@-what-am-I-doing kinda way, which is just about as good as I would ever want it to be.
Which brings me to the second most terrifying thing that's been happening: grad applications. The UBC grad application, though I knew about it well in advance, was not complete until the very last day it could be. Which is the exact SAME day the online portion of the application stopped working. Oh yeah, and I was in Kamloops helping my dad install hard wood flooring, though at that point I was preparing to go back to Vancouver on Greyhound... The deepest levels of my anxiety-controlling neurons were put to the test, those involved with controlling my Tourette's Syndrome just figuring it's time to pack up and leave town for a bit (which made my eyes blink profusely, my head shake near-violently, and my arm convulse like one of those weird frog experiments with electrodes...). I e-mailed and called people at the UBC program hoping they'd be sympathetic even to the procrastinators (or as I like to hear it, "true utilizers of deadlines"). In the few remaining moments I got through and learned that they had extended the online deadline until 9am the next morning because of the software glitch; shortly after I heard that, the website actually started working and it all got in on time. Whew. Realizing afterwards that it definitely is not my strongest application, I'm not thinking UBC's gonna be my next school... at least not this coming fall. However, God works in many ways. The SFU application is due on Jan. 15th... While I ought not to jinx myself too early beforehand, I cannot imagine that being any more hectic and stressful than the epinephrine-pumping sweatfest that I endured for UBC. I better get a really nice rejection letter.

Now, about sweeping (if this is what you were waiting to read, and got through the top bit, thank you for the patience):
While I've had an enjoyment of sweeping and vacuuming for a long time, I've only just come to realize how much I really like it. There's a real zen quality to it, I believe. Repetitive motions, care for your place of residence (aka. "home"), even the satisfactory lump of stuff I have when I'm finished instill a sense of peace and tranquility in the heart of one who does it right (on the occasions when I do it right). Yet there's more to it than that. It's like people's hearts, almost... Like a hard, distraught heart, a dirty floor isn't always something you are consciously repulsed at, it's just one of those things that bring down the general look of a room. And sweeping certainly doesn't seem like it'll help all that much, especially when the immensity of the floor is considered. Once it's begun, however, I start to see what's under the dirt, the floor as it is without the passage of time and negligent individuals/events. After it's done I start to wonder how I couldn't see the beauty in it beforehand. In fact, I'm usually spurred on by what I see happening that I start to mop the floor as well, just to get it as good as I can.
That's what it's like when I encounter a heart and mind which are so obviously weighed down by the dust and hardship accumulated over years of neglect. Not to say that my job is to actively open people's heads and clean out the cobwebs... It has more to do with showing the person what they have underneath all the pain and sorrow, the wonder which God has placed in their life. Obviously, sometimes there are scratches which can't be fixed by regular means. To me, these can be seen as either scars on an otherwise perfect scene or as distinctions which remind me of what has happened and how this person has persevered through such permanent injury.

...Aaaand I'm Back!

Well, back living on the coast, at least... though it's now been almost a month since I did move back down. Still haven't found a job of any great or minor note, and that's kinda what I wanted to touch on.

See, despite it being emphasized in my career counselling class, I have been ever the more surprised at how the first question people ask me these days is "where are you working?", "what are you doing now?", or "what kinda strange company convinced you to move back into the doom and gloom of Vancouver?". Which brings me to my point: while being only wise enough to understand how completely foolish I am, I have been fairly well-convicted that I cannot define myself by where I work at any one moment. It's not what God would have me think, and I surely do not wish to believe that I am currently "undefinable" (but that does add a certain mysterious aspect to my life, I suppose).
Of course I don't blame anyone for having this primarily on their mind when conversing with a hard-to-peg individual like myself. Our culture doesn't allow many personality tests which can give such a good picture of someone's potential ambitions, interests, and overall personality as knowing what someone does for a living. It would take a whole evening and longer to get to know someone, so why not compact it into a question or two about what that person does? People likely have the best intentions in the endeavor to tease out who I am, and the job thing is the best place to start, right?
Yet this definition lacks accuracy. I could take ten minutes talking about what I'm pursuing for a job and where I'd like to be someday, but if someone wants to know another person there has to be a shift in perspective. Sure, I am trying to transition who I think I am into what I want to contribute to society for a lifetime; yet it's only through God's eyes that I can truly see who I am. As C.S. Lewis once said in one of his radio programs, "The self you were really intended to be is something that lives not from nature but from God." (check out http://americanrhetoric.com/speeches/cslewisbeyondpersonality.htm for the whole thing).
I won't let my self be defined by anything else. Not by who others think I am, what I have, or even what I might do. These I've tried only to find them lacking. In truth, we are all best understood from the perspective of what God is doing in us, how He is extracting, bit by bit, our true natures.
To accomplish this is a very long road indeed. Fortunately, some universal truths apply to all of us which help in the journey:
1) God loves us, so much He reconciled our broken relationship by placing all our sin on His Son
2) God made us, wonderfully and fearfully, to be in a constant state of glorifying Him
3) God has a plan for our existence
After these, we each have particular ways where God is moving and shaping us. While each person's path in this is different (and if it's not different enough there are those like myself who try to make it even moreso), I've found a few "tips" to get a better handle on defining myself. First, STOP! Stop looking to pop-Christian, fake-faith junk for spiritual fulfillment. Stop worrying about your life (to the best of your ability). Stop and breathe, stop and look around, stop and listen, stop and notice how life keeps going without you, stop and hear the choirs of angels singing in Heaven to the One and Only Lord, stop and realize that the God of all creation is speaking to you right now if you're able to drown out the noise. Second, take time to find what God is telling you through the Bible, and third, consequently, pray through the passages you're reading asking Him to fill you with His purposes and truth. Lastly (though definitely not finally), find honest and Godly people around you who can speak the truth even when you don't want to hear it. That's what I did, and while it kinda ended up being a largely painful experience, it was a setting-the-bone-to-make-you-healthier kinda pain more than anything else.
So that's my take on the whole "what're you doing now" question... Oh yeah, and in case you were curious (and survived the above onslaught of challenging and potentially confusing statements), I'm currently looking to work at MEC down here in Vancouver while also doing some stuff for the SFU Temp Pool. All the while applying for graduate studies in Counselling Psychology either at SFU or UBC.
Not that I would ever think you'd attempt to garner my personality from any of that information.

To the Manires

Not sure if they are frequent readers of my blog, but here is a letter to the Manires on their farewell from the Point:

Hi Kelly and Jeanne (plus Matthew and Melissa, of course),

Given my unfortunate inability to attend your farewell dinner, I figured I would convey sentiments likely equivalent to those of most people actually there. Two factors are likely to differ, though: a) a higher average on syllables per word, and b) this comes from the longest-attending congregation member, which I hope helps substantiate the statements made.

You have given much to help build the community at SFU; time, energy, and more coffee than I ever would fathom in the whole of my existence have been used to create what is evident every Sunday night, that there are those who care about SFU and placing a church on campus. What is needed all over the world is revival of the spirit. A daunting task from which I'm too often guilty of shrinking away, yet you run straight towards it and make whatever impact possible. A better example of living in faith I am troubled to find, planting three churches and giving them the resources to build on God's provision. Those who have met you must have some degree of favor in the eyes of God.

Most important to my life (though I'm sure I've said so on numerous occasions) is the fact you acted as God's workers during a time when I most needed a church in the area. In many naive spiritual endeavors I have been walking alone with God (a contradiction, to say the least) but over the years I became part of the Point family, most commendably through your graceful dealings and planning (even though Kelly's plans of matchmaking never seemed to pan out... how odd). I should say that the process of directing a church was not without its challenges; these merely added to the already educational and amazing experience of being involved with wonderful people.

Kelly, thanks for sharing your dreams with all of us. I only pray that the Lord would instill every church with visions such as you have seen. You have truly shown me that anything is possible with God... Which is why I firmly believe that you will have the D.Min (or Demon, as I think I heard someone call it...) very soon.

Jeanne, your appreciation of tea gives me hope. There are really too many things to list which you've done to make the Point what it is now; all I can do is look at what the church is and see where you worked behind the scenes for God's purpose. Do not let anyone or anything tell you that you don't deserve your retreats to Kitimat and Steveston.

Melissa, though I know it's particularly hard to do while in high school, be sure to listen to your parents and discern the wisdom they're imparting. Parents have a strange way of being wrong when you're 14 and completely right when you're 21, so you can save a load of trouble by assuming they're right now and changing your mind later.

Matthew, you have an amazing passion for whatever you're doing which is hard to find in a lot of people. Keep up the scouts; you're probably already better than me at most of the skills there, so when I need to get out of the wilderness or tie a rope, I'll hope to have you around to bail me out.

For you all I pray God's blessings upon your future travels and endeavors. May the Holy Spirit move you in wholy impossible ways so you can be ready to minister to all the other university students out there looking for God (but may not know it yet). Most of all, let the love of Jesus be your light when everything's dark, your marker when you lose the way, and your reminder of the connectedness you share with each other and all believers through God.

Love in Christ,
Unity in Spirit,
and Refuge in the Father.

Josh Ruberg

Scuba Diving.....

... is by far one of the most amazing things I have ever experienced. I took a stab at it a few weeks ago to make sure I can actually do it, and the sensation is astounding (plus I didn't die, always a plus). The prospect of scuba diving is something I've made a life goal for a long time, but never attempted it because of health issues. You see, ever since I had my adenoids out when I was young, my soft palate hasn't quite worked very well, allowing water to go down my throat if I don't cover it up. Since I have enjoyed swimming quite a bit in the past, I've just worn a diving mask whenever I went, looking strange but at least able to go underwater without drowning. However, if you want to be certified in scuba diving it's important to have the ability to take a mask off to clean it and put it back on underwater, in which case water may suddenly (and painfully) go through my nose and down my throat. Hence, I have spent some time each day of the last week putting my face underwater with only a snorkel or filling a diving mask with water and pressing it to my face in an attempt to "teach" my soft palate to close properly... While my sinuses have yet to forgive me, I'm making small progress and hoping that by the time I get to the stage of taking the mask off underwater I'll be as non-panic mode as possible. Till then, guess I'll just be sucking down the water, one way or another.
On other fronts, I'm still making decisions on where to live in the Fall. I narrowed it down to Kamloops living being equated to financially intelligent and Lower Mainland living being more in the spirit of maturity. Obviously, neither would really matter if I could just find a job in either location where I can apply my counselling stuff (seriously, it's not that I necessarily want it for grad studies, it's more that it wells up in me and I only have rare outlets around here to use it... gotta have the regular fix of listening to other people's woes.... that sounds worse than I mean it to...).
Fortunately, I've been doing better spiritually, mostly because of Pastor Harry at my church in Kamloops, who is among my favorite people. He lent me a book on coaching, which let me exercise listening stuff a bit more, and on a few occasions now has helped me by meeting outside of church (to which I am still enstranged because of the work schedule) to talk about spiritual stuff (or so I can find anything he's missing for his sermon on Sunday; not sure on that one).
Many other fun developments, such has an outing to the Okanagan, continual bike trips, and interview with a registered South American shaman (who happens to be a Christian) have happened, but you'll just have to ask me personally on those.

Hope everyone's enjoying the summer and growing closer to God as the lazy days (for some of us) progress.

Grad Gift...

Hey, here's something a friend of my family's made for me for my graduation. And no, this is not what happens to my shirts after they get unwearable.... Those who have known me for awhile may recognize a number of these.
Truly, truly amazing; those are shirt pockets at each corner, by the way.

After giving her about 25 old shirts to use for this project, I think I may currently be at about 70.

Oasis

So I haven't written much... or anything... in a while. Though this is consistent with my half-month frequency, I assure you it's just because I haven't had much to write about.
Fortunately, that changed this week, when I was able to make my first solo venture down to Vancouver for 3 days. For one thing, I have to say that I don't mind driving long distances so long as I'm feeling fairly awake. The drive back I was dozing a little and it wasn't nearly as fun as driving down (this could also be from the return-from-"vacation" feeling you get when you need to return to work).
I got there on Monday night (my brother's place) and began my fun on Tuesday. Deciding to bus around the bustling city so as to save gas and get back into my old feelings of commuterism, I ended up watching a movie at Metrotown followed by climbing at the Hangout, a gym in Richmond (and a great one at that!). Highlighting my day was going to the Point's guys group that evening, reconnecting with the great people who I rarely hear from (or make grand gestures to keep in full contact with myself, to be fully honest). This really was the most in-depth study of the Bible I'd done in at least the last month if not longer, and was welcome relief to my bad habits oft developed over the summer.
Next came Wednesday, when I got my first exposure to Vancouver traffic.... I actually ended up heading North on Cambie for a bit, which may have been the worst idea I had all week... However, after I got over the usual need for a MEC visit, I went to SFU for the UCM Worship and Prayer, which was actually the first worship I'd done with other people in the last 3 weeks. This was sooo amazingly fantastic; I wish there was something like that during the week in Kamloops, but I have yet to find it. Oh! and I found 4 Hawaiian shirts for $40 at Lougheed mall, my current total may be around 80 or so, but I should really do a recount sometime soon.
Anyways, in the evening the second best thing of the whole week (the first being all the time I had in pursuit of God and just general refreshment therein) happened: I saw Julius Caesar at Bard on the Beach. Shannon and I got to use my parents' membership dress rehearsal tickets, and the play was spectacular. We even got free cookies and tea at intermission (Shannon thought the show might be over, as at that point in the play Caesar had actually just died... not really a totally illogical conclusion, except for all the people sticking around).
So while nothing could really top what had already transpired in my week thus far, on my way out of town I went back up to SFU and met up with Heather to see how she's doing and to get in on a "surprise" birthday thing for Jeanne (I use quotation marks because Kelly accidentally e-mailed Jeanne all the info about it, so I would say the only large surprise was perhaps the presence of Lynda and myself). It was fun to see more of the Point people and get to hear what's happening around town in Vancouver Focus, the Point UBC, and other great places God is moving. Sadly, all had to come to an end as I departed yet again to come back to Kamloops...
The main thing I learned through this week (seriously... I seem to be unable to blog unless I have some grand life lesson; it's an illness) is that I'm not doing what I should be to keep my spiritual life alive here in Kamloops. For two weeks, I've been in a drought, starving myself of nearly any contact with other Christians. I have this odd notion that my brothers and sisters in faith are only available on Sundays, when I'm at the sawmill cleaning or sparkwatching. This week, I will have gone to a guy's Bible study, Worship and Prayer, a discipleship class, a fellowship of Baptist ministers, and church here in Kamloops (I get today off, yay!!). Talk about an oasis in a (likely) self-made dessert, as I won't be at church till the end of the summer if I don't find something that happens during the week.
All I know is that God is good; He always provides these things just when I feel most disparaged in my faith. Now I just have to figure out how to be better at reciprocating His faithfulness towards me.... at least I have plenty of time to do so.

Now that I'm graduated, I guess I'll just have to go clean a sawmill.

Some cool stuff happened recently:
1) I convocated... Somehow, after the mindlessly incessant barrage of intellectual pain and anguish, I found the light at the end of the tunnel. The walk across the stage was a bit surreal, to be honest. I was congratulated by a number of persons, with a good few hundred more watching me (or their eyelids) while I strolled across the stage. Now that I'm breathing fresh air untainted by the prospect of another semester with broad undergrad topics, I think my brain is missing the slight burning sensation of being pushed to learn massive amounts in minuscule time periods. Perhaps another tunnel is just ahead....

2) I did the Graduate Records Examination. Oddly enough, it was not the hellish experience which I anticipated it being; the essays were remarkably smooth, and while I didn't do as well on the verbal as the math, in the latter I had to rush through because of one question which stumped me for a few minutes (the only big problem I had in the entire exam). I received 570 on the verbal section and 680 on the quantitative (math). In relation to other Social Science people, this is 90 points higher on the verbal and 110 higher on the math, so it should help a bit with grad schools.

3) I got the weekend shift at the sawmill. Overall, I'm pleased that I'll have so much extra time to go out and do other things, like find a volunteer position or another job somewhere. Unfortunately, my churchgoing will be eliminated, and with it the chance to hang out with my College and Career crowd. My solution to this is to hopefully schedule a few events for during the week so that at least some of the next few months is spent with other people.

Funny event of the week: yesterday I was walking around and talking with God (as I often like to do, even if it makes me seem crazy), and I asked Him for direction. Now, usually I'm not given any direct answer to this request, as it's a rather vague demand in and of itself... I guess the Lord wanted to humble me once again, as a second passed by and I looked down.... to see the compass on my camera bag re-adjusting towards north. Standing there dumbfounded, I had this sense in the back of my mind saying "you wanted direction, there ya go"..... As I keep saying, God really does have a great sense of humor.

Update from the desert

Since it's now been a full month that I've been back in Kamloops, figures I should write about what's been happening lately. I'll try to refrain from my usual philosophizing on life events for this one, as not everything needs to have meaning beyond it's present state (in the words of Freud, "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar"...)
So after I got here and settled in (translation: after I overcame the initial feeling of Kamloops craziness), the usual unpacking of about 55% of all my junk occurred. This included everything from clothes to tea supplies, only the essential stuff came out of the boxes to make re-packing smooth and efficient, perhaps for the hypothetical situation of moving back down to the Coast or something.
An immediately pressing matter was re-connecting with my Church here, Summit Drive Baptist. I got home on a Sunday, just in time to head off to a College and Career event where we sat around and talked for a few hours. Of course, being from out of town at that point, I had no idea when it was or where it was... hence me showing up at the door of the organizing couple about an hour before the event actually started. yay. This wasn't bad because they happen to be great people and proceeded to give me punch and show me pictures of a recent Thailand excursion. With the C&C group, I've unfortunately not been the greatest at consistently being there through missing two weeks of hanging out with them. We'll see how it goes as the summer progresses... they all just seem to have their own lives which makes it hard for someone to quickly assimilate into those grooves.
Anyways, other re-connections with the church occurred in my first week, including a visit with pastor Harry, who I would on any top 5 list of "most wonderful people" simply for his personality. Over the years, he's given me a few books to read here and there which have really helped me along... though I've never had a mentor of any kind, Harry's likely part of the amalgamation of persons who have guided my spiritual growth. When I met with him this time, he put me on to a video series called "Bold Love" by Dr. Dan Allender which I'm not in a Discipleship class about... I'm about 4 sessions in and it's pretty interesting, especially considering my style is typically quite confrontational when there's an issue to be handled and Dan's way of going about it is right up that alley. I even get to lead the discussion this Sunday! I'm sure you all can guess how I'm gonna handle that one.
Oh yeah, and I got to go skiing at Blackcomb for two days!! SOOO AWESOME, and I use that word only when I really mean it took my breath away by sheer awe at God's beauty (and, consequently, how man can put some metal up there and make a buck off of it).
Soon I was at an orientation for doing entry watch at the Domtar pulp mill in Kamloops, a position I had last year in which I got to watch individuals as they entered/exited confined spaces and then made sure everyone was out when the day was up (or when an alarm went off). This year was actually much more interesting, at least for the first 5 days. I was tasked to work with an intriguing fellow named Bobby "Z" (his last name seemed to have every letter of the alphabet in it, so the shortening was necessary, particularly for the needs of such literate fellows as he often works with). Though this seems less than exciting, it really was compared to the students who had to sit in front of one hole for 10 hours marking people in and out; I got to go to multiple holes, gas testing when it was needed and ensuring that this one person was alive when he came out.
This guy knews a lot about recovery boilers, large compartments within a pulp mill designed to help with certain chemical reactions occuring in the process of creating pulp. Not only was Bob knowledgeable, he was meticulous... which meant that for the person following him there were many moments of waiting, both when he was in and out of the vessel (he loved to write things down in what I came to call "the report", a 1.5-inch think binder full of his notes about nearly every centimeter of tubing, gears, and other assorted machinery he could find). After 5 days of following Bob around and seeing how much everyone admired his work, I was rather inspired by his example of being the best at what he does... till the 6th day, when I ended up sitting in a room with other students, waiting for some work to come down the line. Ended up cleaning windows with a clever fellow named Josh (no, I did not dissociate my personality from the boredom, there was actually another person there named Josh... at least I believe there was).
While it earned me a lot of money for 6 days of work, this was the only work I have had in my time here in Kamloops so far. I have been looking for more work, not just here but also down in the lower mainland (you never know... might find the ultimate job down there), particularly in the health/human service areas. The only downside to living there would be that saving money for grad school becomes a null concept, and staying here means I save everything I make since my current room+food+everything else I could hope to have=no expense (to me, except for what my father would call my "inheritance"). Until today, job prospects were looking dim, but I got a call tonight and accepted a position at the sawmill for the summer, doing clean-up. At least I'll be busy for the rest of the summer, and who knows, maybe I'll find a cool volunteer position at a drug rehab place or somewhere that deals with grief a lot.
Other than all that, can't say much has been happening in my life. I was incredibly sick after the pulp mill job and only now am regaining my energy (putting it to good use playing squash and biking plenty)... Taking the GRE soon, which is an exam needed for applying to certain grad schools, so really hoping I can focus on preparing for that during the next week and a half.
Oh yeah, and my convocation is on June 7th... 2:30pm-ish, so if you're around Burnaby Mountain in the afternoon on that day be sure to stop by.
There's my life at the moment... God's been good, and keeps surprising me with little moments and big jobs, so all I know is He'll keep me in line one way or another. I'm hoping for the kind and gentle way; we all know how responsive we tend to be for those ones, though...

Finding water

Today I got the opportunity to walk along a path beside one of the two rivers running through Kamloops, my present abode. It's quite interesting... A lot of the vegetation around here is either very dry or highly maintained by human intervention. Yet next to the river there are a variety of greens and wonderfully blossoming flowers, I dare to say even nicer than much of Vancouver (mostly because the sun shines here instead of peeking in and out). I had an interesting thought while walking here: in other areas of life, we have to make sure we're near the right amount of living water to sustain us and make us grow.
So ever since I travelled back to Kamloops, I guess I've been trying to find the right source of water, you might say. Not necessarily just financially (really, though it should be more of a concern for me I'm not worrying terribly about that right now), it's more spiritually and socially. Coming back into a situation where everything's turned around and you can't seem to find your place makes it hard to set roots again... even for a nomadic fellow such as myself.
Somewhat frustrating is that, over the last little while, I've made an effort to grow closer to people around me, and somehow it's worked rather well. Great, right? Well... Not exactly when you end up moving away from those people (getting "transplanted" into another garden, if you're following the horticulture analogy) and have for the last many years not been so connected with others. Fortunately, I'm adapting to it now (slowly), remembering back to the days when me and God would hang out... Great guy to spend time with. Of course, google talk and MSN have helped plenty as well, but being in a situation where you're not surrounded by so many awesome people (at least, as closely surrounded) makes it all the more important to take it upon yourself to communicate effectively and personally with God (perhaps that's why monks and other cloistered persons develop such strong faiths).
Overall, I really hope you find sources of water around you, particularly Jesus, who said "but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." (John 4:14). If you don't have such sources in your life, I urge you to check out some churches... and if you're in the vicinity of Burnaby Mountain around 6pm on a Sunday, I am positive you'll find many sources of water at the Point church.

Oh yeah, and immense thanks to all of you who have been springs of water for me... It's so often kept me going, in fact it still does.

God loves me...

Sorry to Shannon for stealing her line....
Today, as I was walking around Kamloops, beginning to readjust to my new/old abode, I came across something which I had believed impossible for Kamloopians: a tea store!! They were closed today, but I was almost speechless from the excitement for a brief moment.

Death and Dying....

"Uhhh.... Like when people die?"
"Why? Isn't that stuff really depressing?"
"That's interesting...."
These are responses I've gotten when I mention I would like to do grief counseling (and the all-too common polite turning and walking away).
You know why I like grief counseling? Because it starts at the end of someone's life, when they have seen everything they have done and are prepared to take responsibility for actions, hurts, whatever they might have done which requires resolution. We live in worlds where pain and suffering are every day occurrences; statistics tell us so, our own senses tell us so if we can stop to listen for a moment. As we go about life, we can't do everything perfectly. We leave bumps in the road, loose threads in the tapestry, whichever analogy you prefer. These are often what can come to define us if we allow them to, but so much more so they end up being the times we look back on when near the end of our roads, which we only wish something could be done to ameliorate the brokenness caused by our past. Perhaps that's why I love Christ so much, because our brokenness highlights how amazing He was to die for it.

Good and Faithful Servant

Today I got a call. Not a call one enjoys receiving, but one I've foreseen for some time.
It was my father, saying that my grandma had another in a recent series of heart attacks, and that she was now breathing through a respirator and not conscious. My first reaction was no reaction; what can one think when a person who you've seen so full of God's joy and peace suddenly becomes closer to His kingdom? I thought about all the things I have to get done in the next little while... Yes, I admit that the first things I told myself were that I had no time to visit her back in Kamloops, I have two exams to study for, a run to sign up for, and a sermon to write.
And here I am writing from a computer in Kamloops, just recently returned from the hospital where I visited her for what may be the last time. I got a serendipitous ride from my brother and sister-in-law, and will be heading back in the morning to resume my crazy-life activities, feeling calous, confused, and without the right words to express how much she means to me still.
Who was Peggy Smith, you may ask. Before I was a Christian, she was there loving me like Christ would if He had corporeal form again, and I have loved Grandma longer than I have consciously loved Jesus, although I'm sure she would rather it be the other way around. My life has been immensely blessed by her... She brought up five children in conditions which we might ascribe to poor persons, but from the accounts I have heard of her, she was never of poor spirit. So often I've felt alone in the world, and remembering her made it feel better because there was no way I could deny how much she loved me. Not only this, but it is her wisdom that got me through some of the worst parts of my life; she and my grandpa gave me my first Bible, and wrote Joshua 1:9 as the commemoration verse. When I look at the lives of anyone in chuch, so often I realize that Peggy was more than just a person, she was a saint everywhere she went, spreading the will and purpose of God into everyone she met. Now, while I hope it is not her last moments which I see, she may soon be with the God she has strived to serve all her life with a faith that strengthens me day to day. I can think of no one more deserving of hearing the phrase...
'Well done, good and faithful servant!', indeed.
She passed away at about 9:00am on April 13, 2007.

Update; Looking to the future

To set everything straight: I applied to one university, SFU, and have now been informed that I will not be doing graduate studies there in the Fall. After this semester ends, I will officially be done my Bacchelor's of Arts and Social Sciences at SFU, majoring in Psychology and minoring in English. Given I have no more school to return to in the Fall semester, I will be in Kamloops until I have reason to depart and find either employment or further education somewhere outside the neo-desert climate.
I understand that there are some feelings of loss within those people with whom I interact regularly, and while I do understand that it is difficult whenever someone leaves for a time, I have some brief thoughts on this. I am not dying or dead. I am not being isolated on a small island with no ability to communicate, nor is this a situation I wish my life to be, even in a more at-home-isolation sense. Loving others involves attachment of some kind, and the deepest love comes by knowing the plight and joy of others is also your own because you are as part of them and they of you as your thumb is a part of your hand. This is really the image I want to impart: my person will not be in Vancouver anymore, but what I am able to do is keep in touch and keep myself attached (to the best of my abilities) with those I have formed bonds with in the lower mainland. At no point would I want people to grieve a loss that isn't there, and with my departure I may be gone for awhile, but if I know to make the effort to keep in touch, I will do so.
You might be curious as to what I plan to do in the future. Over the coming months, I will move back to Kamloops and find whatever work possible, hoping to discover something counseling-related. The GRE is one endeavor for the summer, for I wish to apply to UBC in December (or sooner, if possible), after this applying again to SFU with every trick I know. I approximate about a year and a half before I get back into school, but maybe I'll find something for the Spring semester, you never know.
All in all, I want to lay my future out for God's plans, and submit myself to His will. He has guided me thus far, and I am confident He'll take me the rest of the way when I am ready. I really have appreciated all the care and prayer which has come from so many people over the years, and I know it was desired for me to end up back at SFU in the Fall, but let me tell you that the connections we have in Christ are stronger than whatever distance or time can ravage against relationships. Those friends I have made here will continue to be in my prayers, and I'm sure I'll pop into theirs as well from time to time.
I'll keep you up to date on my goings on after I've shipped off back over the mountains. May God's peace be within you and all around you.

Pictures

I should note that I've uploaded pictures to:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/josh4242/

Feel free to visit and check them out. (also a link on the side of the screen)

Thoughts on thinking and Church.

Life isn't easy sometimes... More often than not, events and people can get under your skin if you aren't careful, and then you have to deal with issues outside of yourself. This really worries me, as I have trouble enough dealing with issues inside myself let alone those outside. This also really worries me because when I have too many difficulties outside my normal levels of crazy, I like to start taking it out on everyone else, such as in the past little while with my grad application. I then end up doubling or tripling the average amount of critical, cynical commentary which comes out of my mouth while decreasing the constructive statements I enjoy giving but for which I at times lack generative ability.
In the weeks (more than month) between my last post and this one, I thought of putting up different kinds of topics, most of which I could talk about in my full-boar cynicism and wit.
Yet I really didn't want to. Raving about the inadequecies of life is fun, but probably not worth spending the time writing onto a blog, especially if I'm only updating it every month or so. My existence isn't long enough to dwell endlessly on the unhopeful things in life without taking hold of what might be done or is already happening to rectify the situation, so I hope that is conveyed from now on.
I'm done with dwelling on these irrelevant past issues to which I've died many times over, yet can't ever seem to get away from.
So I ask the questions what's church to you? and what does home mean to you?
I ask of course because, in my little world, the feeling of home has no definition. I may feel at home wherever I am, or perhaps I actually feel lost all the time, but I cannot remember what it felt like to have a permanent, identifiable home which one "belongs" to.
I would like to say that my home is where I feel accepted and understood (loved) by everyone around me, where I recognize everything even if I haven't been there for a really long time. God so often gives me that feeling when I don't expect to have it, but at times being in our culture of individuality and isolation reminds me that no matter who I am with, the amount of closeness required for such a wonderful feeling of comfort is still somehow out of reach. And this applies everywhere I go: public transit, lecture halls, restaurants... They all seem to perpetuate this idea that we are all separate beings, all so distinct that to act as though we're interconnected is to feel like an outcast; this ultimately leads me to feel like a stranger in a foreign world, constantly where I may not belong.
I'm not sure where I could get that feeling of understanding, of recognition, of being connected to everyone but still know who I am in God's creation... I guess that's what I want the church to be: home.