Citizen of Inconstant Thought

What're you paying? 400 Shekels?

2011-01-10T11:01:00.001-08:00

So I'm reading through the Bible in a year... well, I'm trying at least. Accounts like this one: http://stuffchristianslike.net/2011/01/already-being-behind-on-your-read-through-the-bible-in-a-year-plan/ hold less hope for me. Then again, I've pushed through some very dense reading for lesser purposes (thanks Developmental Psychobiology!), so perhaps Leviticus will be okay.

Nonetheless, I sometimes come across passages in this endeavor which make me really think and yesterday I noticed something interesting in Genesis 23, the account of Sarah's death and burial. You see, after Abraham's wife Sarah died, and since he didn't own the land he wanted where he wanted to bury her, he approached Ephron (no, not Zach) the Hittite to see about the area Sarah was to be buried. Ephron offered Abraham the land for free. Twice. But Abraham refused to take it, instead when Ephron mentioned what the land was worth, Abraham gave him that amount in full (400 shekels or 10 pounds of silver which, according to my NASB commentary, was more than the land was worth).

Now I am the son of a father who will go into major department stores and see if he can negotiate a better price on shirts, so the prospect of someone passing up such a deal is a bit odd to me. Even if the guy was only following customs of generosity or hospitality, paying that much when one could get it for free is quite surprising to my sensibilities. Then I thought about what we value, how we express that value in what we sacrifice to get it.

When I go out for tea, I look at the price and ask whether it is fair, that is whether my impression of the value or importance for that item is equal to or greater than the price someone is asking for it. Some might include a sense of what type of labour was needed for it or the quality of growing certain crops, but we all implicitly place value on what we want. In Vancouver, you could get tea/coffee for less than $2 at certain places, so what makes so many pay upwards of $5 for a Grande-infinite-pump-mocha/choca/caramella/la-vida-loca beverage?

And we sacrifice more than money. Jesus said "where your treasure is, there your heart will be also". If a guy really wants to pursue a girl, he's not going to be thinking whether she's worth the $50+ dinner. Moreso, if a guy wants to marry the girl, the sacrifice is even greater: his whole life. And he can say how great she is and how important to him but if he doesn't back it up with action it's not all too likely she or anyone else will believe him.

Now I'm not saying we shouldn't look for deals; in fact, bargains tell you how much you value the item above the asking price. But those things which are truly important to you, the friendships you have or the values you hold... what are they worth to you? And would you be willing to pay 400 shekels of silver?

And to Christians: how much do you value discipleship of Jesus Christ? The Gospel of Jesus? And how might you be showing that?

Chilliwack'ed, the rest of the story

2011-01-02T13:09:00.000-08:00

So it has been 1.5 years since I did this trek and about the same time since I posted about the journey. I thank those who actually have read this and apologize for not finishing. In an effort to finalize certain things which I did not complete in 2010, I will now attempt to tell the rest of this account as well as I can, leaving out some minor details...

So Sumas Way ends up winding down to Highway 1, a fiercesome beast to any and all cyclists. After doing another ever-so-fun left turn, I took the South Parallel road only because it was separate from the highway but (surprise!) parallels the highway. Going along here was great; the wind was somehow in my favor, like God's hands pushing me along to my goal.

I will skip the descriptions of the many fields, trees, and houses I saw along the road; they are a sight to behold with their varying colours and textures, but really after you see one field you kind of tune out the others. I turned onto Fireclay/No. 4 Rd after about 10.5km of the wondrous forces of the Parallel Rd., entering into another winding portion of the route.

It's surprising how majestic life can be when you're going at 25-30km/hr. I often have trouble getting out of the busyness of my mind and biking seems to be one of the best ways to do this, if only due to the safety issue of not concentrating and ending up a very unwelcome hood ornament to someone's more motorized mode of transport. Necessity can be a wonderful thing.

Going through Yarrow, which I think is a town but it could just be a description of one of the crops, I entered the "joy" of Vedder Mountain-Vedder Rd.; this was a lot more elevation change than you may expect. By now I was reaching at least 80-90kms total and was about as appreciative of small uphills as one might be appreciative of someone shoving rocks in your shoes before a run. Not to mention that I would be seeing all of this soon enough when I made my way back.

In Chilliwack, I fueled up with some food and Gatorade. As it happened, I made my journey such that I arrived in Chilliwack at a time and day when no bike stores were open; this being important since I wanted to find a better way back. It would not have been so much of a problem, but someone might have mentioned a few things to avoid. I now know, were I to bike to Chilliwack again, to try and get on the NORTH side of the highway...

South Parallel Road, that blissful road of heavenly arms guiding me along, happens to hold this description when you are heading East. It... changes... when you go the other way. The best description I can think of is having the near-full force of nature itself attempting to stop you from going any further. I believe this is from biking in the opposite direction of the highway traffic to your right, creating a very harsh wind tunnel. I actually got off my bike to walk it a ways because I became so dejected by my progress and believed it would be easier that way. It was not.

Escape became essential, so I took a right at Whatcom Rd. and asked someone there whether there might be a better way through Abbotsford without being next to the highway. They pointed me towards going further on Whatcom but mentioned that there is a hill, to which I replied "I've done plenty of those today, one more won't hurt". There are moments in my life when my pride and arrogance are amazingly highlighted and subsequently smashed with a hammer. I like to think God smiles at these moments as I do afterwards (sometimes during), despite the pain they cause me. As you may have discerned, the hill in question was big and very steep for a cyclist. I had exchanged the pain of heart-stopping wind with the arduous duty of this terrible ascent. As I kept going up, I actually went OVER the hill at Sumas Rd. I had been on before. By the time I had gotten to the top, I realized I had likely biked most of the major hills in Abbotsford.

Another issue: I could not find the way to Fraser Hwy from downtown Abbotsford. Seriously, they had confused those streets to much I couldn't find the way. I ended up stopping at none other than the King of Floors to get directions. Neither the king or his tiny dog (for those who have seen the commercials) were there but one of the loyal subjects pointed me in the right direction. I had somehow gotten too far South and now had to make another course correction.

Fortunately I made it to Langley in time for meeting up with Shannon, which was as always a pleasant time of good conversation and company. She pointed me towards the areas where I could find much-needed sustenance, my choosing Earl's due to their good food plus I had a gift card along with me.

A note about thoughts: they are pervasive. What began as a quick thought to alleviate the stress of possibly not finishing my journey turned into what was almost reality. I realized at this point my body was pushed, darkness approached, and the distance just seems too far. I would take the bus after dinner, depending how I felt at that point. I had already done quite a bit (about 180kms) so bowing out now would not be so bad. It's amazing one's ability to rationalize the easy way out.

I went to Earl's and ate, ate a big dinner: salmon and veggies and rice. I was close to not taking a bus but still fairly resolved. The waitress asked if I wanted dessert; at this point I had biked a long way and my heart rate monitor basically told me I would not replenish my expended calories if I ate only dessert for the next two days, so I decided I would have some ice cream. As my mouth tasted the sugar and cream, I felt my muslces being restored. By the time I finished I had no more thoughts of taking a bus. I was going to BEAT the bus to Surrey (likely the sugar talking at that point). As I began biking, I was energized and took hills like they were nothing. Before I knew it I was in Surrey and approaching the bridge.

Something funny happened at that point. 198kms were done but my energy was flat, gone again, and the Putello bridge was ahead of me. This was the end. This was the last 2km and I no longer had the energy to go up that treacherous bridge and down the other side. I knew that this was some sort of message from God Above, that I would have no choice but to trust Him the last little bit. I summoned whatever microns of strength my muscles had left and began the ascent. Lights glaring in my eyes, every rotation an effort, I pedaled closer and closer until I reached the top. And that was it. I allowed gravity to suck me down to the nearest Skytrain.

A Skytrain, a bus, then done. As I said before: 201km biked, 100km of which done in 4.5 hours, total time from start to finish: about 14 hours, 8430 calories expended (according to my heartrate monitor), countless moments of doubt and near-cursing frustration, 9 different towns biked through, and nearly no energy left by the time I got back.

If I were to do it again, I would like to have someone with me. I've come to the realization recently that my selfishness seems to particularly extend to the activities I do day-to-day as I don't allow anyone to share them with me. Biking is definitely one of the areas I would like to have someone with me, if only for the knowledge that there's someone watching my back in case a wind is too much or a hill is too high and I need that extra push to get up. I was blessed on this journey by having God there beside me the whole way and He'll be there next time as well, but sharing that experience with someone else will make all the difference.

Chilliwack'ed Ep. 4

2008-07-20T12:33:00.000-07:00

Ep. 4: Abbotsford, the humchback of the Fraser Valley

Still dehydrated, my more sensible side decided it best to stop after getting off the bridge to refuel with some Gatorade. It's quite amazing how long that toothpaste sucks the moisture from your mouth... It had a discernible effect even 2+ hours into my ride.
As I continued along the "highway" I soon (though it seemed like a long way due to the absence of landmarks, unless you include blades of grass as landmarks which to my perception seem rather similar) made it to Sumas Road. This turned out to be Sumas hill. Crossing a few lanes of traffic, a swift left turn got me to the middle of the road, wide enough but daunting to a small vehicle such as myself when large multi-ton machines of death are careening in both directions around me. Mercifully I found a break so I could narrow my chances of being smashed down to those motorized vehicles coming from behind me. And then I climbed. I climbed methodically, slowly.
It's an interesting situation when you can't see the end of a hill, or even where it might crest to a decreased incline. My body has learned to conserve energy while going up these mysterious mountains, but again the doubt is not far away. Where there is doubt, energy decreases proportionately, and while I knew that there had to be a top to this geographical monstrosity there wasn't a perceptible reason why I should think that way. Being that I could not turn back, I took this opportunity to reflect upon yet another of God's lessons for me: the end is often not in sight. In fact, the largest hills I've gone up are those which I had to wait the longest to see the top; so it is also with life, I find... The most long-term, worthwhile goals are the ones which you can't see the end. Of course, with biking up a mountain, you have to ask yourself "what's the point?" and, consequently, "isn't there a way around this thing which might be... flatter?".
For this excursion, I answered these questions as follows: "I do not know nor care" and "yes, but that would be longer and no where near as grueling", respectively.
Finding the downhill right after I passed under an overpass (to be mentioned later), I pushed as hard as I could so as to make up for any lost time from the careful pushing up Sumas Road... Soon connecting to South Parallel Road, which was an experience all on its own.

Chilliwack'ed Ep. 3

2008-07-14T20:51:00.000-07:00

Ep. 3: A Profusion of Confusion

As one enters Mission with the intention of going to Abbotsford, there are likely signs of varying nature which indicate the correct turn onto the Abbotsford-Mission Highway. I did not see these. There was, however, a "Route 11" which looked remarkably like the overhead pictures I saw on Google Maps; yet it was not exactly what I wanted to take, so I kept on going.
As I continued to push through Mission, the thought occurred to me that Mission is really not that large a town and I seemed to be going very far to get to a road which should go into the middle of Mission. Eventually the suburban scenery dissipated, leaving an info center in the distance as the only possible location for assistance in this moment of uncertainty.
I will, for your benefit, translate the thoughts that were going through my mind, though in nicer language because it was spoken in anger initially and I am able to correct this now:
"Well I certainly feel bad for having missed that seemingly un-signed turn. It did seem inevitable earlier that I would miss something at some point, but this is getting close to my limit of patience. Oh, and I have to climb a hill to make up for my ill-chosen direction... I don't think it looks like a nice hill, either... Ah well, have to get back."
Imagine something like that, except with a bit of profanity thrown in there.
Anyways, fortunately there was a route back which meant I didn't have to go the full distance, but instead just over some overpasses till I hit Route 11. As I went over the bridge which spans the width of the Fraser River, it reminded me of the last time I had been there around sunset. I couldn't reminisce long, unfortunately... It was important that I got over the bridge quickly as I was riding my bike over it, an infraction merely due to a low railing making one's height on a bike enough that hitting the railing might turn your bike ride into a swim hastily. Really, you don't have to worry... I'm safe for the most part and even when I'm not, it's typically calculated stupidity.
So after a small detour, I was on track, over the bridge staring out at the wonderful world of Abbotsford... Well, it was Abbotsford, anyways... Lots of fields and basically nothingness civilization-wise, but I kept going.... to Sumas Road.

Chilliwack'ed Ep. 2

2008-07-05T10:28:00.000-07:00

Ep. 2: A Mission to Mission...

It is a long way between Port Coquitlam and Mission. A distance made perceptively longer by the absence of civilization and abundance of foliage. A seemingly endless expanse of concrete which at times one can see about 5 km ahead and other times can barely see 50m ahead.
The time taken to cross this beautiful God-given creation (complete with man-made asphalt and sawmills) allows for much time for contemplation. Even with my iPod plugged in (and, as my father would say, myself being consequently 'tuned out'), I began to think. Actually, a better word would be doubt. I began to doubt many things.... How far could I really get? Do I truly have enough energy? What does this say about my sanity? Of course, I really couldn't answer any of these and, being accustomed to a certain degree of doubt in my life, decided they were better left a mystery to be handled at a later time. After all, aren't "Our doubts... traitors, mak[ing] us lose the good we oft might win By fearing to attempt." (Shakespeare, Measure for Measure, 1.4.87-9)?
Now, the most interesting moment of my journey to Mission: eating a Clif bar. While biking. Oh, and while maintaining a decent speed... Yeah, it was not my most graceful moment in life. I had decided before that I would eat a Clif bar (amazing energy bar) after 1.75hrs of biking. Having reached this milestone, I pulled out one of the two Clif bars I had put in my pockets, a Crunchy Peanut Butter Bar. Having only one hand to open it with (the other required to keep my bike both upright and on course), improvisation was needed. Using my teeth/tongue to maneuver the wrapper, I opened it after much wobbling around in a very non-dexterous show of grace in motion. Now came the point of consumption. Without using more higher-functioning areas of my brain, I took one large mouthful in one bite, taking about 2/3 of the bar into my mouth at one time. Those who are lovers of peanut butter will attest to what happens when you get too much in your mouth at one time. To say the least, breathing became a trial. So there I was, a wonky, misshapen Lance Armstrong wannabe desperately sucking in air while attempting to avoid the multi-ton chariots of death which were still screaming by me without a thought as to what this strange man might be doing in such a precarious situation as biking beside a semi-major highway. To say the least, smaller bites were taken after this event.
Having already nearly killing myself with what should have provided more energy, I realized that there are worse things that could happen. When I got to Mission, some of them did.

2008-06-30T13:21:00.000-07:00

Ep. 1: "Why Can't I Coquitlam You?"

So living on a hill has its advantages, unless you're living on Burnaby Mountain heading East. Going down that side of the hill, you get to an intersection and, turning left, there is a massive hill awaiting you. Determined to be positive, I decided this was a good warm-up for the rest of my day and attempted to not waste energy needed later. After summiting to Burquitlam, I got to speed downhill fast enough that the minivan in front of me came often close to meeting my front tire (which would have been followed by a greeting by my face, torso, and other ligaments). Whoever was driving, I don't think they knew where they were going, but fortunately such an impediment turned soon, leaving me with open road to push myself along.
As I was going through Coquitlam, it struck me that not stretching properly was going to be a problem; my muscles were in an uproar. I finally stopped around Coquitlam Centre Mall and took some time to stretch. This felt good in the moment, though likely broke any momentum I was going to get out of myself heading towards my destination (any stopping before you get to where you're going kind of sets you up for more rests later, I find... Especially in biking, hiking, and running).
A fun side note: trucks and wind. As you're biking next to faster-moving traffic, the speed of the vehicles creates some wind going in the direction of the traffic. The larger the vehicle, the more wind going in that direction, for a short period of time. Therefore, if you have a lot of traffic going in your direction and are courageous (stupid?) enough to get close to them, it creates a nice effect of a tailwind particularly when large trucks are concerned.
I attempted to maximize on this effect by riding as close as safely possible to trucks as they passed me. Averaging about 30km/hr was the result, which is good considering all the weight I was hauling (not to mention how much the carry-bags weighed).
So having stretched, I continued on through Coquitlam, Port Coquitlam, and into the wonderful green stretch of Lougheed Highway which stretches on and on....

Chilliwack'ed, Intro

2008-06-26T11:11:00.000-07:00

Recently, I did another of my bike adventures, this time exceeding all previous distance records for myself... I went to Chilliwack, from Burnaby Mountain. Since I have this particular medium to describe the trip, I figured I might as well use it; it'll take awhile and about 12-13 posts to get it all, so hopefully it'll be entertaining enough for you all. For any who aren't much into reading verbose descriptions, here's the rundown of the trip: 201km biked, 100km of which done in 4.5 hours, total time from start to finish: about 14 hours, 8430 calories expended (according to my heartrate monitor), countless moments of doubt and near-cursing frustration, 9 different towns biked through, and nearly no energy left by the time I got back. To fill in the details, you'll have to read more.

Prologue: Anticipation
Leading up:
I'd been mentally preparing for an excursion to Chilliwack for a long while, as it's a good destination for crazies wanting to bike 200km given its position roughly 100km from Vancouver and the terrain being mild elevation-wise (the latter point I might refute now, given my experience). The decision was made a week beforehand to do the trip on a Monday since I had the day off work. Despite some minor illness the previous week, I was in pretty good condition by the time the day rolled around.
The Night Before: Sunday, June 22
Preparations were made for the saddlebags, clothes, bike, and even my muscles. Though I'm one to oft emphasize the psychological side of things, this was somehow overlooked in my many tasks to be ready for the ride. Bags were packed the night before with an array of useful items, likely about 40% of which were in no way used at any point in the trip. Clothes were chosen based on comfort but also reduced awkwardness. No one really wants to see me in tight spandex-like bike gear, at least I certainly don't think so (plus I was meeting Shannon later in the day... so it was for her benefit as well). The day before I cleaned the gears and chain on my bike as thoroughly as I could. I have done a magnificent job of uglifying my bike in a number of areas: pink reflector stickers, fruit stickers, leaving just a bit of grime on it, etc, etc... But I am convinced that cleaning the gear assembly and chain can change the efficiency of riding quite a bit (given that the methods of uglifying have to this point been mainly cosmetic and in no way interfere with the workings of the bike, a bit of work with a brush and my gears are not among the worst-looking areas of my noble, stainless-steel steed).
Regarding the muscles, I have to explain about The Stick; this is a roughly 1.5-foot "stick" with plastic rollers on it and what appears to be a ceramic core tube around which the plastic rollers are situated. By rolling The Stick on my muscles, it kneads out any knots and effectively warms up my muscles so I can be ready for exercise. The night before I left, I made sure to use this device on my legs just in case, with further use the next day before I left. Unfortunately, while I did use The Stick, I did not decide to stretch properly. This was not a good idea, as I learned later on.
Day of the Trek: Monday, June 23
It was a usual morning for me, save for waking up at a certain time (7am or so) in the morning when I typically and preferably would be in my better stages of REM sleep. The routine was normal: breakfast while watching some TV show online, shaving, flossing, brushing teeth... Except there is a certain problem with the last item: toothpaste, as it happens, tends to turn my mouth into the Sahara desert as it absorbs every speck of moisture I have. Dehydration while you are biking for hours on end is among the worst things which can happen, likely moreso when you begin in this state.
Anyways, the goal was a departure at 8:30am. I "stretched" (as described above with The Stick), and decided that a bit of tire pumping was needed. Now, my pump has the wonderful feature of being compact enough to fit in one of my bike bags without much hassle. It lacks a pressure gauge, however, and this is only a problem when I'm in a state of excitement and hurry, like when I'm about to embark on a full-day gruelathon which could cut short my existence. It was 8:20am when I started pumping the tires; the back tire was fine after a few pumps, so on to the front. I was going at it vigourously when I noticed that the sound of air escaping was getting more continuous than I have usually observed, going even after I remove the pump. This is the sound of over-inflating a tube and having the seal around the valve split into an unpatch-able mess of tube-y fun. Consequently also the sound of my start time being delayed while I furiously (a word used in both the emotional and physical contexts at this point) changed the tube and pumped it up, careful this time not to over-inflate.
A last check-over everything; gear, water, bike, heltmet, iPod, heartrate monitor, gloves... Check. Off I go, at 9:05am, heading towards Port Coquitlam.

In regards to the last little while... Most of all, sweeping.

2007-12-20T11:43:00.000-08:00

I do realize it's been a long time since I last posted, but every time I thought I had something to say I didn't think it was overly worth typing out for the masses (okay, the possibly ten people who read this) to hear about... However, plenty has happened, so a brief update would be in order.
I now, somehow, have a job... Much searching since I moved back down from Kamloops finally resulted in something I'm happy to work at. But getting there sure wasn't what I would've expected. I've been interviewing counselling-type persons for the last little while, making sure it's a field I should get into and finding the best way for me to get into it. This most recently led me to a lovely lady who had previously been an SFU undergrad, went to UBC, and is now doing counselling (i.e. pretty much the exact path I'm wanting to take). Well, she also works for a company called Connexus. So the meeting happens on a cloudy but eventful Wednesday; not a whole lot happened during the day (as was typical to my unemployed lifestyle). I had a Bible study in the evening, studying James with a few people in the residences up here. Interestingly, each week after this Bible study I typically had the most productive times getting further in my search for employment: I would arrive home to phone calls or e-mail from employers, discover another job postings website, even somehow expand my network of contacts once in awhile. Being no different, I was doing a usual scan of the job postings and suddenly stumbled across a posting from Connexus Family and Children's Services, the same place I had been only that afternoon for an informational interview. The job required a myriad of qualifications, a number of which I didn't have, and was heavily into working with adolescents/children, which I cannot say entered the positives column of my pro-con list (if I were actually to have done one). But it was firmly in the realm of my experience and something told me that God was in the details of this one. So despite being apprehensive and figuring I wouldn't possibly get an interview I decided I might as well send off my resume and cover letter once again into what so many job-seekers experience as a sea of lifelessness. This being akin to having been stranded on an island full of bottles and paper where you just keep throwin em out to sea and they keep on getting washed back onto shore. I guess I threw this one at the right time. An interview happened shortly thereafter. Me being the mouse-like confidence person I am in interviews, I figured there was absolutely no way I'm getting a job out of this, so I decided to go in there and answer honestly but let God guide me if He so chooses. Three questions into the interview and one of the interviewers says "this is going better than I expected, I need to go get someone else to sit in on this"... Now there were three. I have enough trouble speaking to one, and now there were three question-asking answer-writing people who each may or may not be liking any and all of my responses. Fun people but you have to realize how incredibly panicked I wanted to get in this situation. I was almost afraid of drinking the water cause my hand might shake too much. Interview over, I thought that there might be some possibility of them getting back to me. SOME possibility. More along the lines of a 30-40% chance... I wasn't holding out hope. As it so happens, God works often enough whether we think He will or not. Hence, I now work in a group home with very unique adolescents. It is probably the most challenging job I have ever encountered; the most potential for things to go wrong, perhaps less potential for things to get better for these kids. But when things go right, they can really impact strongly the progress they are making. I've only been there for a few weeks now and it's still frightening for me, but more in the let's-see-how-God-works-today kinda way and less of the oh-$@#@-what-am-I-doing kinda way, which is just about as good as I would ever want it to be.
Which brings me to the second most terrifying thing that's been happening: grad applications. The UBC grad application, though I knew about it well in advance, was not complete until the very last day it could be. Which is the exact SAME day the online portion of the application stopped working. Oh yeah, and I was in Kamloops helping my dad install hard wood flooring, though at that point I was preparing to go back to Vancouver on Greyhound... The deepest levels of my anxiety-controlling neurons were put to the test, those involved with controlling my Tourette's Syndrome just figuring it's time to pack up and leave town for a bit (which made my eyes blink profusely, my head shake near-violently, and my arm convulse like one of those weird frog experiments with electrodes...). I e-mailed and called people at the UBC program hoping they'd be sympathetic even to the procrastinators (or as I like to hear it, "true utilizers of deadlines"). In the few remaining moments I got through and learned that they had extended the online deadline until 9am the next morning because of the software glitch; shortly after I heard that, the website actually started working and it all got in on time. Whew. Realizing afterwards that it definitely is not my strongest application, I'm not thinking UBC's gonna be my next school... at least not this coming fall. However, God works in many ways. The SFU application is due on Jan. 15th... While I ought not to jinx myself too early beforehand, I cannot imagine that being any more hectic and stressful than the epinephrine-pumping sweatfest that I endured for UBC. I better get a really nice rejection letter.

Now, about sweeping (if this is what you were waiting to read, and got through the top bit, thank you for the patience):
While I've had an enjoyment of sweeping and vacuuming for a long time, I've only just come to realize how much I really like it. There's a real zen quality to it, I believe. Repetitive motions, care for your place of residence (aka. "home"), even the satisfactory lump of stuff I have when I'm finished instill a sense of peace and tranquility in the heart of one who does it right (on the occasions when I do it right). Yet there's more to it than that. It's like people's hearts, almost... Like a hard, distraught heart, a dirty floor isn't always something you are consciously repulsed at, it's just one of those things that bring down the general look of a room. And sweeping certainly doesn't seem like it'll help all that much, especially when the immensity of the floor is considered. Once it's begun, however, I start to see what's under the dirt, the floor as it is without the passage of time and negligent individuals/events. After it's done I start to wonder how I couldn't see the beauty in it beforehand. In fact, I'm usually spurred on by what I see happening that I start to mop the floor as well, just to get it as good as I can.
That's what it's like when I encounter a heart and mind which are so obviously weighed down by the dust and hardship accumulated over years of neglect. Not to say that my job is to actively open people's heads and clean out the cobwebs... It has more to do with showing the person what they have underneath all the pain and sorrow, the wonder which God has placed in their life. Obviously, sometimes there are scratches which can't be fixed by regular means. To me, these can be seen as either scars on an otherwise perfect scene or as distinctions which remind me of what has happened and how this person has persevered through such permanent injury.

...Aaaand I'm Back!

2007-10-11T08:00:00.000-07:00

Well, back living on the coast, at least... though it's now been almost a month since I did move back down. Still haven't found a job of any great or minor note, and that's kinda what I wanted to touch on.

See, despite it being emphasized in my career counselling class, I have been ever the more surprised at how the first question people ask me these days is "where are you working?", "what are you doing now?", or "what kinda strange company convinced you to move back into the doom and gloom of Vancouver?". Which brings me to my point: while being only wise enough to understand how completely foolish I am, I have been fairly well-convicted that I cannot define myself by where I work at any one moment. It's not what God would have me think, and I surely do not wish to believe that I am currently "undefinable" (but that does add a certain mysterious aspect to my life, I suppose).
Of course I don't blame anyone for having this primarily on their mind when conversing with a hard-to-peg individual like myself. Our culture doesn't allow many personality tests which can give such a good picture of someone's potential ambitions, interests, and overall personality as knowing what someone does for a living. It would take a whole evening and longer to get to know someone, so why not compact it into a question or two about what that person does? People likely have the best intentions in the endeavor to tease out who I am, and the job thing is the best place to start, right?
Yet this definition lacks accuracy. I could take ten minutes talking about what I'm pursuing for a job and where I'd like to be someday, but if someone wants to know another person there has to be a shift in perspective. Sure, I am trying to transition who I think I am into what I want to contribute to society for a lifetime; yet it's only through God's eyes that I can truly see who I am. As C.S. Lewis once said in one of his radio programs, "The self you were really intended to be is something that lives not from nature but from God." (check out http://americanrhetoric.com/speeches/cslewisbeyondpersonality.htm for the whole thing).
I won't let my self be defined by anything else. Not by who others think I am, what I have, or even what I might do. These I've tried only to find them lacking. In truth, we are all best understood from the perspective of what God is doing in us, how He is extracting, bit by bit, our true natures.
To accomplish this is a very long road indeed. Fortunately, some universal truths apply to all of us which help in the journey:
1) God loves us, so much He reconciled our broken relationship by placing all our sin on His Son
2) God made us, wonderfully and fearfully, to be in a constant state of glorifying Him
3) God has a plan for our existence
After these, we each have particular ways where God is moving and shaping us. While each person's path in this is different (and if it's not different enough there are those like myself who try to make it even moreso), I've found a few "tips" to get a better handle on defining myself. First, STOP! Stop looking to pop-Christian, fake-faith junk for spiritual fulfillment. Stop worrying about your life (to the best of your ability). Stop and breathe, stop and look around, stop and listen, stop and notice how life keeps going without you, stop and hear the choirs of angels singing in Heaven to the One and Only Lord, stop and realize that the God of all creation is speaking to you right now if you're able to drown out the noise. Second, take time to find what God is telling you through the Bible, and third, consequently, pray through the passages you're reading asking Him to fill you with His purposes and truth. Lastly (though definitely not finally), find honest and Godly people around you who can speak the truth even when you don't want to hear it. That's what I did, and while it kinda ended up being a largely painful experience, it was a setting-the-bone-to-make-you-healthier kinda pain more than anything else.
So that's my take on the whole "what're you doing now" question... Oh yeah, and in case you were curious (and survived the above onslaught of challenging and potentially confusing statements), I'm currently looking to work at MEC down here in Vancouver while also doing some stuff for the SFU Temp Pool. All the while applying for graduate studies in Counselling Psychology either at SFU or UBC.
Not that I would ever think you'd attempt to garner my personality from any of that information.

To the Manires

2007-09-13T02:02:00.000-07:00

Not sure if they are frequent readers of my blog, but here is a letter to the Manires on their farewell from the Point:

Hi Kelly and Jeanne (plus Matthew and Melissa, of course),

Given my unfortunate inability to attend your farewell dinner, I figured I would convey sentiments likely equivalent to those of most people actually there. Two factors are likely to differ, though: a) a higher average on syllables per word, and b) this comes from the longest-attending congregation member, which I hope helps substantiate the statements made.

You have given much to help build the community at SFU; time, energy, and more coffee than I ever would fathom in the whole of my existence have been used to create what is evident every Sunday night, that there are those who care about SFU and placing a church on campus. What is needed all over the world is revival of the spirit. A daunting task from which I'm too often guilty of shrinking away, yet you run straight towards it and make whatever impact possible. A better example of living in faith I am troubled to find, planting three churches and giving them the resources to build on God's provision. Those who have met you must have some degree of favor in the eyes of God.

Most important to my life (though I'm sure I've said so on numerous occasions) is the fact you acted as God's workers during a time when I most needed a church in the area. In many naive spiritual endeavors I have been walking alone with God (a contradiction, to say the least) but over the years I became part of the Point family, most commendably through your graceful dealings and planning (even though Kelly's plans of matchmaking never seemed to pan out... how odd). I should say that the process of directing a church was not without its challenges; these merely added to the already educational and amazing experience of being involved with wonderful people.

Kelly, thanks for sharing your dreams with all of us. I only pray that the Lord would instill every church with visions such as you have seen. You have truly shown me that anything is possible with God... Which is why I firmly believe that you will have the D.Min (or Demon, as I think I heard someone call it...) very soon.

Jeanne, your appreciation of tea gives me hope. There are really too many things to list which you've done to make the Point what it is now; all I can do is look at what the church is and see where you worked behind the scenes for God's purpose. Do not let anyone or anything tell you that you don't deserve your retreats to Kitimat and Steveston.

Melissa, though I know it's particularly hard to do while in high school, be sure to listen to your parents and discern the wisdom they're imparting. Parents have a strange way of being wrong when you're 14 and completely right when you're 21, so you can save a load of trouble by assuming they're right now and changing your mind later.

Matthew, you have an amazing passion for whatever you're doing which is hard to find in a lot of people. Keep up the scouts; you're probably already better than me at most of the skills there, so when I need to get out of the wilderness or tie a rope, I'll hope to have you around to bail me out.

For you all I pray God's blessings upon your future travels and endeavors. May the Holy Spirit move you in wholy impossible ways so you can be ready to minister to all the other university students out there looking for God (but may not know it yet). Most of all, let the love of Jesus be your light when everything's dark, your marker when you lose the way, and your reminder of the connectedness you share with each other and all believers through God.

Love in Christ,
Unity in Spirit,
and Refuge in the Father.

Josh Ruberg

Scuba Diving.....

2007-08-06T20:29:00.000-07:00

... is by far one of the most amazing things I have ever experienced. I took a stab at it a few weeks ago to make sure I can actually do it, and the sensation is astounding (plus I didn't die, always a plus). The prospect of scuba diving is something I've made a life goal for a long time, but never attempted it because of health issues. You see, ever since I had my adenoids out when I was young, my soft palate hasn't quite worked very well, allowing water to go down my throat if I don't cover it up. Since I have enjoyed swimming quite a bit in the past, I've just worn a diving mask whenever I went, looking strange but at least able to go underwater without drowning. However, if you want to be certified in scuba diving it's important to have the ability to take a mask off to clean it and put it back on underwater, in which case water may suddenly (and painfully) go through my nose and down my throat. Hence, I have spent some time each day of the last week putting my face underwater with only a snorkel or filling a diving mask with water and pressing it to my face in an attempt to "teach" my soft palate to close properly... While my sinuses have yet to forgive me, I'm making small progress and hoping that by the time I get to the stage of taking the mask off underwater I'll be as non-panic mode as possible. Till then, guess I'll just be sucking down the water, one way or another.
On other fronts, I'm still making decisions on where to live in the Fall. I narrowed it down to Kamloops living being equated to financially intelligent and Lower Mainland living being more in the spirit of maturity. Obviously, neither would really matter if I could just find a job in either location where I can apply my counselling stuff (seriously, it's not that I necessarily want it for grad studies, it's more that it wells up in me and I only have rare outlets around here to use it... gotta have the regular fix of listening to other people's woes.... that sounds worse than I mean it to...).
Fortunately, I've been doing better spiritually, mostly because of Pastor Harry at my church in Kamloops, who is among my favorite people. He lent me a book on coaching, which let me exercise listening stuff a bit more, and on a few occasions now has helped me by meeting outside of church (to which I am still enstranged because of the work schedule) to talk about spiritual stuff (or so I can find anything he's missing for his sermon on Sunday; not sure on that one).
Many other fun developments, such has an outing to the Okanagan, continual bike trips, and interview with a registered South American shaman (who happens to be a Christian) have happened, but you'll just have to ask me personally on those.

Hope everyone's enjoying the summer and growing closer to God as the lazy days (for some of us) progress.

Grad Gift...

2007-07-04T23:43:00.000-07:00

Hey, here's something a friend of my family's made for me for my graduation. And no, this is not what happens to my shirts after they get unwearable.... Those who have known me for awhile may recognize a number of these.
Truly, truly amazing; those are shirt pockets at each corner, by the way.

After giving her about 25 old shirts to use for this project, I think I may currently be at about 70.

Oasis

2007-07-01T01:01:00.000-07:00

So I haven't written much... or anything... in a while. Though this is consistent with my half-month frequency, I assure you it's just because I haven't had much to write about.
Fortunately, that changed this week, when I was able to make my first solo venture down to Vancouver for 3 days. For one thing, I have to say that I don't mind driving long distances so long as I'm feeling fairly awake. The drive back I was dozing a little and it wasn't nearly as fun as driving down (this could also be from the return-from-"vacation" feeling you get when you need to return to work).
I got there on Monday night (my brother's place) and began my fun on Tuesday. Deciding to bus around the bustling city so as to save gas and get back into my old feelings of commuterism, I ended up watching a movie at Metrotown followed by climbing at the Hangout, a gym in Richmond (and a great one at that!). Highlighting my day was going to the Point's guys group that evening, reconnecting with the great people who I rarely hear from (or make grand gestures to keep in full contact with myself, to be fully honest). This really was the most in-depth study of the Bible I'd done in at least the last month if not longer, and was welcome relief to my bad habits oft developed over the summer.
Next came Wednesday, when I got my first exposure to Vancouver traffic.... I actually ended up heading North on Cambie for a bit, which may have been the worst idea I had all week... However, after I got over the usual need for a MEC visit, I went to SFU for the UCM Worship and Prayer, which was actually the first worship I'd done with other people in the last 3 weeks. This was sooo amazingly fantastic; I wish there was something like that during the week in Kamloops, but I have yet to find it. Oh! and I found 4 Hawaiian shirts for $40 at Lougheed mall, my current total may be around 80 or so, but I should really do a recount sometime soon.
Anyways, in the evening the second best thing of the whole week (the first being all the time I had in pursuit of God and just general refreshment therein) happened: I saw Julius Caesar at Bard on the Beach. Shannon and I got to use my parents' membership dress rehearsal tickets, and the play was spectacular. We even got free cookies and tea at intermission (Shannon thought the show might be over, as at that point in the play Caesar had actually just died... not really a totally illogical conclusion, except for all the people sticking around).
So while nothing could really top what had already transpired in my week thus far, on my way out of town I went back up to SFU and met up with Heather to see how she's doing and to get in on a "surprise" birthday thing for Jeanne (I use quotation marks because Kelly accidentally e-mailed Jeanne all the info about it, so I would say the only large surprise was perhaps the presence of Lynda and myself). It was fun to see more of the Point people and get to hear what's happening around town in Vancouver Focus, the Point UBC, and other great places God is moving. Sadly, all had to come to an end as I departed yet again to come back to Kamloops...
The main thing I learned through this week (seriously... I seem to be unable to blog unless I have some grand life lesson; it's an illness) is that I'm not doing what I should be to keep my spiritual life alive here in Kamloops. For two weeks, I've been in a drought, starving myself of nearly any contact with other Christians. I have this odd notion that my brothers and sisters in faith are only available on Sundays, when I'm at the sawmill cleaning or sparkwatching. This week, I will have gone to a guy's Bible study, Worship and Prayer, a discipleship class, a fellowship of Baptist ministers, and church here in Kamloops (I get today off, yay!!). Talk about an oasis in a (likely) self-made dessert, as I won't be at church till the end of the summer if I don't find something that happens during the week.
All I know is that God is good; He always provides these things just when I feel most disparaged in my faith. Now I just have to figure out how to be better at reciprocating His faithfulness towards me.... at least I have plenty of time to do so.

Now that I'm graduated, I guess I'll just have to go clean a sawmill.

2007-06-11T17:25:00.000-07:00

Some cool stuff happened recently:
1) I convocated... Somehow, after the mindlessly incessant barrage of intellectual pain and anguish, I found the light at the end of the tunnel. The walk across the stage was a bit surreal, to be honest. I was congratulated by a number of persons, with a good few hundred more watching me (or their eyelids) while I strolled across the stage. Now that I'm breathing fresh air untainted by the prospect of another semester with broad undergrad topics, I think my brain is missing the slight burning sensation of being pushed to learn massive amounts in minuscule time periods. Perhaps another tunnel is just ahead....

2) I did the Graduate Records Examination. Oddly enough, it was not the hellish experience which I anticipated it being; the essays were remarkably smooth, and while I didn't do as well on the verbal as the math, in the latter I had to rush through because of one question which stumped me for a few minutes (the only big problem I had in the entire exam). I received 570 on the verbal section and 680 on the quantitative (math). In relation to other Social Science people, this is 90 points higher on the verbal and 110 higher on the math, so it should help a bit with grad schools.

3) I got the weekend shift at the sawmill. Overall, I'm pleased that I'll have so much extra time to go out and do other things, like find a volunteer position or another job somewhere. Unfortunately, my churchgoing will be eliminated, and with it the chance to hang out with my College and Career crowd. My solution to this is to hopefully schedule a few events for during the week so that at least some of the next few months is spent with other people.

Funny event of the week: yesterday I was walking around and talking with God (as I often like to do, even if it makes me seem crazy), and I asked Him for direction. Now, usually I'm not given any direct answer to this request, as it's a rather vague demand in and of itself... I guess the Lord wanted to humble me once again, as a second passed by and I looked down.... to see the compass on my camera bag re-adjusting towards north. Standing there dumbfounded, I had this sense in the back of my mind saying "you wanted direction, there ya go"..... As I keep saying, God really does have a great sense of humor.

Update from the desert

2007-05-29T22:38:00.000-07:00

Since it's now been a full month that I've been back in Kamloops, figures I should write about what's been happening lately. I'll try to refrain from my usual philosophizing on life events for this one, as not everything needs to have meaning beyond it's present state (in the words of Freud, "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar"...)
So after I got here and settled in (translation: after I overcame the initial feeling of Kamloops craziness), the usual unpacking of about 55% of all my junk occurred. This included everything from clothes to tea supplies, only the essential stuff came out of the boxes to make re-packing smooth and efficient, perhaps for the hypothetical situation of moving back down to the Coast or something.
An immediately pressing matter was re-connecting with my Church here, Summit Drive Baptist. I got home on a Sunday, just in time to head off to a College and Career event where we sat around and talked for a few hours. Of course, being from out of town at that point, I had no idea when it was or where it was... hence me showing up at the door of the organizing couple about an hour before the event actually started. yay. This wasn't bad because they happen to be great people and proceeded to give me punch and show me pictures of a recent Thailand excursion. With the C&C group, I've unfortunately not been the greatest at consistently being there through missing two weeks of hanging out with them. We'll see how it goes as the summer progresses... they all just seem to have their own lives which makes it hard for someone to quickly assimilate into those grooves.
Anyways, other re-connections with the church occurred in my first week, including a visit with pastor Harry, who I would on any top 5 list of "most wonderful people" simply for his personality. Over the years, he's given me a few books to read here and there which have really helped me along... though I've never had a mentor of any kind, Harry's likely part of the amalgamation of persons who have guided my spiritual growth. When I met with him this time, he put me on to a video series called "Bold Love" by Dr. Dan Allender which I'm not in a Discipleship class about... I'm about 4 sessions in and it's pretty interesting, especially considering my style is typically quite confrontational when there's an issue to be handled and Dan's way of going about it is right up that alley. I even get to lead the discussion this Sunday! I'm sure you all can guess how I'm gonna handle that one.
Oh yeah, and I got to go skiing at Blackcomb for two days!! SOOO AWESOME, and I use that word only when I really mean it took my breath away by sheer awe at God's beauty (and, consequently, how man can put some metal up there and make a buck off of it).
Soon I was at an orientation for doing entry watch at the Domtar pulp mill in Kamloops, a position I had last year in which I got to watch individuals as they entered/exited confined spaces and then made sure everyone was out when the day was up (or when an alarm went off). This year was actually much more interesting, at least for the first 5 days. I was tasked to work with an intriguing fellow named Bobby "Z" (his last name seemed to have every letter of the alphabet in it, so the shortening was necessary, particularly for the needs of such literate fellows as he often works with). Though this seems less than exciting, it really was compared to the students who had to sit in front of one hole for 10 hours marking people in and out; I got to go to multiple holes, gas testing when it was needed and ensuring that this one person was alive when he came out.
This guy knews a lot about recovery boilers, large compartments within a pulp mill designed to help with certain chemical reactions occuring in the process of creating pulp. Not only was Bob knowledgeable, he was meticulous... which meant that for the person following him there were many moments of waiting, both when he was in and out of the vessel (he loved to write things down in what I came to call "the report", a 1.5-inch think binder full of his notes about nearly every centimeter of tubing, gears, and other assorted machinery he could find). After 5 days of following Bob around and seeing how much everyone admired his work, I was rather inspired by his example of being the best at what he does... till the 6th day, when I ended up sitting in a room with other students, waiting for some work to come down the line. Ended up cleaning windows with a clever fellow named Josh (no, I did not dissociate my personality from the boredom, there was actually another person there named Josh... at least I believe there was).
While it earned me a lot of money for 6 days of work, this was the only work I have had in my time here in Kamloops so far. I have been looking for more work, not just here but also down in the lower mainland (you never know... might find the ultimate job down there), particularly in the health/human service areas. The only downside to living there would be that saving money for grad school becomes a null concept, and staying here means I save everything I make since my current room+food+everything else I could hope to have=no expense (to me, except for what my father would call my "inheritance"). Until today, job prospects were looking dim, but I got a call tonight and accepted a position at the sawmill for the summer, doing clean-up. At least I'll be busy for the rest of the summer, and who knows, maybe I'll find a cool volunteer position at a drug rehab place or somewhere that deals with grief a lot.
Other than all that, can't say much has been happening in my life. I was incredibly sick after the pulp mill job and only now am regaining my energy (putting it to good use playing squash and biking plenty)... Taking the GRE soon, which is an exam needed for applying to certain grad schools, so really hoping I can focus on preparing for that during the next week and a half.
Oh yeah, and my convocation is on June 7th... 2:30pm-ish, so if you're around Burnaby Mountain in the afternoon on that day be sure to stop by.
There's my life at the moment... God's been good, and keeps surprising me with little moments and big jobs, so all I know is He'll keep me in line one way or another. I'm hoping for the kind and gentle way; we all know how responsive we tend to be for those ones, though...

Finding water

2007-05-09T23:25:00.000-07:00

Today I got the opportunity to walk along a path beside one of the two rivers running through Kamloops, my present abode. It's quite interesting... A lot of the vegetation around here is either very dry or highly maintained by human intervention. Yet next to the river there are a variety of greens and wonderfully blossoming flowers, I dare to say even nicer than much of Vancouver (mostly because the sun shines here instead of peeking in and out). I had an interesting thought while walking here: in other areas of life, we have to make sure we're near the right amount of living water to sustain us and make us grow.
So ever since I travelled back to Kamloops, I guess I've been trying to find the right source of water, you might say. Not necessarily just financially (really, though it should be more of a concern for me I'm not worrying terribly about that right now), it's more spiritually and socially. Coming back into a situation where everything's turned around and you can't seem to find your place makes it hard to set roots again... even for a nomadic fellow such as myself.
Somewhat frustrating is that, over the last little while, I've made an effort to grow closer to people around me, and somehow it's worked rather well. Great, right? Well... Not exactly when you end up moving away from those people (getting "transplanted" into another garden, if you're following the horticulture analogy) and have for the last many years not been so connected with others. Fortunately, I'm adapting to it now (slowly), remembering back to the days when me and God would hang out... Great guy to spend time with. Of course, google talk and MSN have helped plenty as well, but being in a situation where you're not surrounded by so many awesome people (at least, as closely surrounded) makes it all the more important to take it upon yourself to communicate effectively and personally with God (perhaps that's why monks and other cloistered persons develop such strong faiths).
Overall, I really hope you find sources of water around you, particularly Jesus, who said "but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." (John 4:14). If you don't have such sources in your life, I urge you to check out some churches... and if you're in the vicinity of Burnaby Mountain around 6pm on a Sunday, I am positive you'll find many sources of water at the Point church.

Oh yeah, and immense thanks to all of you who have been springs of water for me... It's so often kept me going, in fact it still does.

God loves me...

2007-04-30T17:53:00.000-07:00

Sorry to Shannon for stealing her line....
Today, as I was walking around Kamloops, beginning to readjust to my new/old abode, I came across something which I had believed impossible for Kamloopians: a tea store!! They were closed today, but I was almost speechless from the excitement for a brief moment.

Death and Dying....

2007-04-27T17:01:00.001-07:00

"Uhhh.... Like when people die?"
"Why? Isn't that stuff really depressing?"
"That's interesting...."
These are responses I've gotten when I mention I would like to do grief counseling (and the all-too common polite turning and walking away).
You know why I like grief counseling? Because it starts at the end of someone's life, when they have seen everything they have done and are prepared to take responsibility for actions, hurts, whatever they might have done which requires resolution. We live in worlds where pain and suffering are every day occurrences; statistics tell us so, our own senses tell us so if we can stop to listen for a moment. As we go about life, we can't do everything perfectly. We leave bumps in the road, loose threads in the tapestry, whichever analogy you prefer. These are often what can come to define us if we allow them to, but so much more so they end up being the times we look back on when near the end of our roads, which we only wish something could be done to ameliorate the brokenness caused by our past. Perhaps that's why I love Christ so much, because our brokenness highlights how amazing He was to die for it.

Good and Faithful Servant

2007-04-12T22:36:00.000-07:00

Today I got a call. Not a call one enjoys receiving, but one I've foreseen for some time.
It was my father, saying that my grandma had another in a recent series of heart attacks, and that she was now breathing through a respirator and not conscious. My first reaction was no reaction; what can one think when a person who you've seen so full of God's joy and peace suddenly becomes closer to His kingdom? I thought about all the things I have to get done in the next little while... Yes, I admit that the first things I told myself were that I had no time to visit her back in Kamloops, I have two exams to study for, a run to sign up for, and a sermon to write.
And here I am writing from a computer in Kamloops, just recently returned from the hospital where I visited her for what may be the last time. I got a serendipitous ride from my brother and sister-in-law, and will be heading back in the morning to resume my crazy-life activities, feeling calous, confused, and without the right words to express how much she means to me still.
Who was Peggy Smith, you may ask. Before I was a Christian, she was there loving me like Christ would if He had corporeal form again, and I have loved Grandma longer than I have consciously loved Jesus, although I'm sure she would rather it be the other way around. My life has been immensely blessed by her... She brought up five children in conditions which we might ascribe to poor persons, but from the accounts I have heard of her, she was never of poor spirit. So often I've felt alone in the world, and remembering her made it feel better because there was no way I could deny how much she loved me. Not only this, but it is her wisdom that got me through some of the worst parts of my life; she and my grandpa gave me my first Bible, and wrote Joshua 1:9 as the commemoration verse. When I look at the lives of anyone in chuch, so often I realize that Peggy was more than just a person, she was a saint everywhere she went, spreading the will and purpose of God into everyone she met. Now, while I hope it is not her last moments which I see, she may soon be with the God she has strived to serve all her life with a faith that strengthens me day to day. I can think of no one more deserving of hearing the phrase...
'Well done, good and faithful servant!', indeed.
She passed away at about 9:00am on April 13, 2007.

Update; Looking to the future

2007-03-28T21:36:00.000-07:00

To set everything straight: I applied to one university, SFU, and have now been informed that I will not be doing graduate studies there in the Fall. After this semester ends, I will officially be done my Bacchelor's of Arts and Social Sciences at SFU, majoring in Psychology and minoring in English. Given I have no more school to return to in the Fall semester, I will be in Kamloops until I have reason to depart and find either employment or further education somewhere outside the neo-desert climate.
I understand that there are some feelings of loss within those people with whom I interact regularly, and while I do understand that it is difficult whenever someone leaves for a time, I have some brief thoughts on this. I am not dying or dead. I am not being isolated on a small island with no ability to communicate, nor is this a situation I wish my life to be, even in a more at-home-isolation sense. Loving others involves attachment of some kind, and the deepest love comes by knowing the plight and joy of others is also your own because you are as part of them and they of you as your thumb is a part of your hand. This is really the image I want to impart: my person will not be in Vancouver anymore, but what I am able to do is keep in touch and keep myself attached (to the best of my abilities) with those I have formed bonds with in the lower mainland. At no point would I want people to grieve a loss that isn't there, and with my departure I may be gone for awhile, but if I know to make the effort to keep in touch, I will do so.
You might be curious as to what I plan to do in the future. Over the coming months, I will move back to Kamloops and find whatever work possible, hoping to discover something counseling-related. The GRE is one endeavor for the summer, for I wish to apply to UBC in December (or sooner, if possible), after this applying again to SFU with every trick I know. I approximate about a year and a half before I get back into school, but maybe I'll find something for the Spring semester, you never know.
All in all, I want to lay my future out for God's plans, and submit myself to His will. He has guided me thus far, and I am confident He'll take me the rest of the way when I am ready. I really have appreciated all the care and prayer which has come from so many people over the years, and I know it was desired for me to end up back at SFU in the Fall, but let me tell you that the connections we have in Christ are stronger than whatever distance or time can ravage against relationships. Those friends I have made here will continue to be in my prayers, and I'm sure I'll pop into theirs as well from time to time.
I'll keep you up to date on my goings on after I've shipped off back over the mountains. May God's peace be within you and all around you.

Pictures

2007-02-02T23:54:00.000-08:00

I should note that I've uploaded pictures to:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/josh4242/

Feel free to visit and check them out. (also a link on the side of the screen)

Thoughts on thinking and Church.

2007-01-25T23:18:00.000-08:00

Life isn't easy sometimes... More often than not, events and people can get under your skin if you aren't careful, and then you have to deal with issues outside of yourself. This really worries me, as I have trouble enough dealing with issues inside myself let alone those outside. This also really worries me because when I have too many difficulties outside my normal levels of crazy, I like to start taking it out on everyone else, such as in the past little while with my grad application. I then end up doubling or tripling the average amount of critical, cynical commentary which comes out of my mouth while decreasing the constructive statements I enjoy giving but for which I at times lack generative ability.
In the weeks (more than month) between my last post and this one, I thought of putting up different kinds of topics, most of which I could talk about in my full-boar cynicism and wit.
Yet I really didn't want to. Raving about the inadequecies of life is fun, but probably not worth spending the time writing onto a blog, especially if I'm only updating it every month or so. My existence isn't long enough to dwell endlessly on the unhopeful things in life without taking hold of what might be done or is already happening to rectify the situation, so I hope that is conveyed from now on.
I'm done with dwelling on these irrelevant past issues to which I've died many times over, yet can't ever seem to get away from.
So I ask the questions what's church to you? and what does home mean to you?
I ask of course because, in my little world, the feeling of home has no definition. I may feel at home wherever I am, or perhaps I actually feel lost all the time, but I cannot remember what it felt like to have a permanent, identifiable home which one "belongs" to.
I would like to say that my home is where I feel accepted and understood (loved) by everyone around me, where I recognize everything even if I haven't been there for a really long time. God so often gives me that feeling when I don't expect to have it, but at times being in our culture of individuality and isolation reminds me that no matter who I am with, the amount of closeness required for such a wonderful feeling of comfort is still somehow out of reach. And this applies everywhere I go: public transit, lecture halls, restaurants... They all seem to perpetuate this idea that we are all separate beings, all so distinct that to act as though we're interconnected is to feel like an outcast; this ultimately leads me to feel like a stranger in a foreign world, constantly where I may not belong.
I'm not sure where I could get that feeling of understanding, of recognition, of being connected to everyone but still know who I am in God's creation... I guess that's what I want the church to be: home.

Especially Joshes can be imperfect....

2006-12-19T23:23:00.000-08:00

I realize that I'm not often open about my less-than-pristine moments, so I decided to go out on a limb (pretty far out) and type up a recent entry in my journal. Sorry if it's kinda corny, just happened to be what I was feeling at the time. If nothing else, I hope it gives someone hope for when life seems uncertain and uncontrollable.

Joshua,
Where is your faith? Has God not provided for you again and again, no matter your need, unrelated to how freaked out you become over everything? Do not set your worries on your own affairs. God is in control of all, and will not let you fall, irregardless of what your circumstances may seem like. God's plans for you are good, and you are along His journey for you as He has desired you to be. You feel lonely, without anyone to comfort you as you feel continually denied in authentic connections with others, yet God is there when you cry in what seems to be an empty room. While you're thinking He's not there, keep in mind that He is the room; He is the air you use to speak and sing in times both good and bad. You have failed in keeping strong friendships alive; you've failed also in controlling your thoughts and emotions, the parts of you which force you time and time again to admit your inadequacy. Where you failed utterly, you have succeeded joyfully in God. He is your stongest friendship, deeper than any human could fathom. He helps you when emotions roll free and the dark clouds of frustration and stress roll in, deepening your connection to Him in what is so precious a thing to have, that God did all in His power to obtain it with you. Confusion is only natural, uncertainty the only certainty, so your frets and worries, while seemingly real now, will soon dissolve into the patience of eternity and joy of purity.
Never forget (which is harder than always remembering):
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. For the
Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9 (emphasis mine)

Hooked on Courses?

2006-12-17T20:12:00.000-08:00

As my final semester of undergraduate post-secondary learning approaches, I feel it pertinent to address an issue of the education system which does not always have its proper moments. I am, of course, talking about the fact that University will suck your life dry if you let it.
Now, keep in mind that my grades are not pristine, so the potentially euphoric high one receives (comparable only to having the pleasure centre of your brain directly stimulated, as I hear it, at least) once obtaining the all-powerful and nigh-Everest-like acheivement of straight A's (or A+'s if you're really going for it) I have yet to experience. Therefore, I admit to not having exactly the most objective viewpoint on this, but the fact is that my viewpoint is only rarely objective, and when it is, things get screwy to say the least; so I will give you my straightforward opinion on the whole thing.
University, like most things semi-addictive in nature, is a tool. It can be used for good, and it can most definitely be used for evil. There is no direct morality taught, nor personal development forced upon its inhabitants. These you must develop for yourself, and if you believe that your classes are going to do it for you, you are in for a very pluralistic and relativistic journey, at the end of which you will be more confused about what is right and wrong than after all the lectures of "Quantum Mechanics as applied to the socioeconomic impact of the Osprey Monkey and its implications for the history and meaning of life 101".
Yet education at times promises this enlightening aspect. With all the knowledge of the world at your fingertips, you must be able to stumble across wisdom which will form your personality and make you the person you need to become; after all, all these dead people found something to write about. And so people strive year after year to find these pieces of themselves in every place but within their own heart.
Even worse, some believe that they will find themselves after graduating, that their job of choice is just waiting on the outside of these struggles for a letter grade and if they push out a few more A's, they will find what they are looking for both personally and professionally. Two points: one; as I understand it, the majority of jobs these days are found through networking and less through good grades; two; my recommendation is to start the journey for who you want to be now, because it is not short.
So I ask: what are you looking for in your education, and are you sure you are not making education your life, instead of making life your education?
We need to find life, hope, love, etc.; not life in a dusty book where the words can seem just as distant as a professor can when talking on their subject of choice. Life was not meant to be lived in a dark room looking at cells or writing thousands of lines of code each day.
Life was meant to be lived with God, with purpose. Education cannot be our final goal, because it is short-lived and finite in nature. Learning can be life-long, as it should be, yet you can accumulate any number of degrees or take all the courses a university has to offer, but there is no way you can live your life fully if you do not know what's behind the learning.
As I come close to graduating, I look back and see that I am not ashamed of the hours I spent with people instead of with textbooks, nor the many extra-curricular activities I have busied myself with during the past 4.5 years of University. Over the many years I have been part of SFU, I know this one thing: involvement in your community will give you your best memories, teach you your most profound lessons, and allow you your greatest opportunities to reach others.
If 80% of the work in community groups and volunteer organizations is done by 20% of the population, I now know why I only meet about 2 out of 10 people who never cease to keep me inspired and alive; I guess the rest of them must be looking for inspiration in their lecture notes.

What makes people act in good or evil ways?

2006-11-29T15:15:00.000-08:00

These are the first two paragraphs (so far) of my paper for a "Social Psychology of Good and Evil" course. I may upload the whole thing when it's done (as it is due tomorrow), but for now I figured I'd see what people think of the intro.

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." Edmund Burke

It is easy to see the world as all-good or all-evil. From cognitive psychology, studies in schematic thinking and heuristics tell us that making easy, definable categories which are performable in automatic ways will simplify a person’s life. While defining each can be a mess of logic, consensus, and parsimony, we all have within us some very real sense of certain acts being good or evil. In studies of morality, questions abound as to the nature of what “good” people are and what makes them different from “bad” people, if differences exist. In what often seems the bleakness of the world, its obsidian shroud of relativism and selfish desire, there can be some who uphold a strict moral code and believe in the pervasiveness of good over destructive behaviour and intent. To reach such a state of virtuous action, these “moral exemplars” have developed to act morally out of an “uniting of self and morality” (Colby & Damon, 1992, p. 310). Not only can these people be admired for their moral state, but their example allows an in-depth look into what bridges the divides between evil, neutral, and good.

In this paper, it will be argued that good and evil actions have their roots in how integrated one’s sense of self is with one’s sense of humanity, morality, and purpose. By “good”, I mean to say constructively adding to humanity through beneficial acts to individuals or groups, whereas “evil” will be defined as avoidable harm committed against others or the unwillingness to help avoid or alleviate harm if such is possible and will not result in further harm done. Alternatively, another appropriate definition is provided by “Irving Sarnoff: ‘Evil is knowing better but doing worse’” (Zimbardo, 2004, p. 22). Since they are not mutually exclusive, both definitions for evil will be utilized. Since “humanity” can be defined in different ways, here it refers to all human “in-groups” being conceptualized as unified, and a respect for humanity denoting some degree of reverence for “the value of human beings and of human life, their worth” (Colby & Damon, p. 317).

Hopefully no plagiarism will be taken from the above, but I'm sure if you want the reference the date and author will give you enough, and if not I can definitely mention it later.

On Solo Film-Viewing

2006-11-14T13:20:00.000-08:00

I'm not a loner.
At least, I make the most sincere effort not to be; however, I have to give a recommendation to anyone who enjoys movies: try watching them alone. What? "Movies are supposed to be a social event, something you do with friends". Sure, you can use movies as social events, but I'd like to make the point that this is probably the worst thing you can do when you want to hang out with people: sit in a large, dark room while following a story on the screen (if that's the kind of movie you're at, that is). Not only does each person in a group have a different perspective on the film, each person afterwards feels obligated to validate the choice of movie-going by saying how they liked or disliked it, with whatever opinion comes first typically being the eventual consensus because, after all, you're not there to enjoy a movie, you're there to enjoy each other's company.
Those who know me, know that I frequently go to movies alone. This, of course, is not to insult anyone or to establish that I am in fact an individual (I have enough evidence of that already). The reason for solo movie-going is to gauge the movie's merits myself, independent of any other opinions of those people I may have some obligation to agree with on some level. Recently, I saw "Stranger Than Fiction" (which I recommend on the basis of having very interesting perspectives on the value of one's life, death, and just basic morality itself), and I know that if I had seen it with anyone I know, I would definitely not have enjoyed it nearly as much. I will admit a primary reason for this is that I care what others think of me, because it's usually me who chooses the movie, thus the evaluation of the movie is also an evaluation of me as a movie-chooser.
"What about sharing the experience with others?" Rent. You can fast forward, rewind, pause, whatever the situation requires. In fact, if you rent, I believe you'll enjoy the movie more because you will see it in a comfortable environment, and you can actually see the people around you. Awkwardness doesn't go away for me, unfortunately, but at least people have the option of talking without ruining the experience of unknown persons, and in fact more opportunity is given to "constructively review" the movie as you're watching (often in the form of jovial commentary, of course).
All in all, don't take my word for it, as I'm not always the exemplar for normal. Try it with some movie that you think you would enjoy, but are unsure if anyone else would have as good a time as you would. For anyone who thinks that I'm just taking too much time to speak on a completely irrelevant issue, a) you're the one who's read this, and b) really, there are more irrelevant things in the world.
Oh yeah, anyone wanna go to a movie?

Saved by a paper

2006-11-06T15:49:00.000-08:00

Ever had one of those moments where you feel like doing something, but in your heart you know it's not exactly you who wants to do it?
I've had a few moments like that recently. No idea if it was God speaking to me or through me, as I know He does happen to do once in awhile (oft times to both my surprise and bewilderment, and not always reinforcing my ways of life).
One seeming God-moment was when I was feeling completely drained last night after being with what felt like a hundred people (but in fact was only a few I had not seen in awhile). It wasn't a feeling I usually have, like a filled-in-hollow-burned-out kinda thing. So, I ended up wanting to do what anyone would in such a situation: go jogging. Fortunately for what I am sure would have been both my physical and mental well-being, someone asked me to read over their paper, which I am always excited to do as it combines my passions for helping people, being critical, and improving my writing skills. So after a jog over to their place, I read through and gave my suggestions for the paper, which was really more flow-deficient in a few places than all-out horrible. And after that, we somehow got onto the topic of friends and deep conversations, both of which I struggle to attract. Yet as I sat there listening (a pasttime I've come to appreciate more and more), I realized that not only am I struggling to find what Larry Crab would describe as "spiritual community", but that others seem to want more from their fellow Christians than talk about the radio or how a job is going. I have no idea if this person had the need to talk about it in depth, but I definitely had the need to listen to what was said.
I have the feeling that there are times when God needs us to not only listen to him, but listen to others as well. While there is no doubt in my mind that last night was a blessing in what was before then a rather spiritually unfulfilling day (and considering I went to church, it probably should not have been), I do wish that I had some idea of how to create a deeper community among those people I'm close to. Given my propensity for analyzing the logic of relationships (whether friends or otherwise; see "odd but valid question" post earlier), it seems like I have a long way to go before that happens, but seeing as nothing is impossible for God, I guess I just need to leave myself open to more of these "God-moments" and see what happens.

Hilarious List....

2006-09-27T09:59:00.000-07:00

My brother pointed me to this list,

http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html

It basically outlines what this guy would do if he was an evil overlord, essentiall how he'd avoid the all-too-common mistakes of past evildoers.
Now if only Bond villains would read it....

Amazing generosity in Kamloops

2006-07-13T22:25:00.000-07:00

So I'm now the Summer Safety Coordinator for the Kamloops Brain Injury Association. It's a pretty sweet job, considering I get to bike around Kamloops for a few hours a day and get paid for it. However, I've found something very surprising: companies actually will give you stuff if you're using it for a good cause.
My job essentially entails enforcing and promoting the Skateboard Rewards Program for the KBIA, where I go to skate parks and the like and give rewards to people wearing helmets. Rewards include anything I receive from local businesses and last year ranged between a 2 for 1 coupon to t-shirts and $25 gift certificates.
This year, I decided that I need to aim high. So I contacted over 60 places, asking if they had anything they might be able to donate. To my surprise, I had 3 responses before I even began phoning all the businesses for follow-up. I've now accumulated t-shirts, DVD's, stickers, keychains, gift certificates, and more, all in the span of 3 days, and what's even more amazing is that I'm not even half way through all the places that sound like they might also donate something.
This brang up a question for me. As the DVBS director at my Church last year, I had a similar role in that I needed to get donations for the program, and I probably approached around 40-50 places asking for what they might be able to donate, with less than 50% success. Now, with the KBIA, I'm getting an incredibly positive reaction. The question I ask (other than what am I going to do with all this stuff) is whether the fact I was acting on behalf of a Church influenced anyone to give or not give. There are probably a few other mitigating factors, such as my increased experience in telephone conversation or in how to approach business for donations, but I believe that it would be incredibly sad if people negated to donate to a Church program just because it was religiously based.
Oh well, I do have to praise God for all the support I'm getting for the program, because if you haven't attempted convincing someone to wear helmets, I never reccommend starting with adolescent skateboarders. I.e. support definately required; in fact, any divine intervention in the area of saving some of these kids' craniums will be most appreciated and required. On the plus side, I'm starting to get a very small understanding of how God feels when He sees people not accepting His son to redeem their sins...
Oh, and remember: brain injury is forever; prevention is the only cure. (and if you're wearing a helmet and see me at a skate park in Kamloops, make sure to get a prize)

Finding a job, or just finding something

2006-06-09T23:02:00.000-07:00

I am currently residing in Kamloops, B.C., where my parents live and I have lived for about 11 years. It's a nice place, potentially relaxing and entertaining in its own unique fashion.
One difficulty does arise for students (like myself) when they are attempting to fit back into Kamloops life: finding a decent job. A job which will pay for at least a portion of one's tuition and living expenses while allowing survival of the Kamloops summer (it's a neo-desert climate... for those who know me, yes, I get quite warm). So far, I have a position at DHL (aka Loomis), sorting packages. Other positions I have held this summer include entry watch at a pulp mill, farmer at an organic farm, and various chore-like activities. Sadly, the DHL job is at nasty times and hence blocks out a few other positions I have applied for, not that I'm overly concerned. You see, I know that whatever happens this summer, God will take care of me as He always has, and so my concern turns more to a question of whether I am seeking work which God would have me do, a question which is not as easy to discern as I may communicate. In my experience, He isn't interested as much in the job as the person doing the job, and how the relationships presented in the employment are fostered and grown.
Understand that, although I have taken 4 years of psychology and have many friends in various locales, relationships are hard. They take a lot of work and trust on both sides to make them strong and lasting. I can listen to people and keep up my side of the deal, but there are only rare times when I accept others doing the same, especially when I know that I will never see those people again. Hence my difficulty with that side of God's interests in my summer employment.
I suppose the reason for all this blathering is just to say that at times God's will and your own may not coincide, whether the reason is the difference in perspective (as one may imagine), or your self-interests. My suggestion is patience (difficult even for the most saintly of us) and a healthy dose of God's point of view (ie. ask yourself What does God want with the world? What does He seem to want with me? What is tearing at God's heart?). No guarentee, but those things have been helpful to me in the past few months of seemingly hopeless job searching, so perhaps they'll be of some small consolation to any who may be struggling with similar troubles.

2006-04-18T17:18:00.000-07:00

I recently found this awesome website:

http://americanrhetoric.com/

It has all sorts of speeches, some of which are audio and video. It's interesting to examine their effect on you as you read them, and where that effect comes from.
I reccomend checking out the movies section, where you can find some of the better movie speeches with accompanying background music.

2006-04-09T11:01:00.000-07:00

The resemblance is uncanny....

How are you crying out?

2006-03-26T00:37:00.000-08:00

3THE VOICE OF ONE CRYING IN THE WILDERNESS,
'MAKE READY THE WAY OF THE LORD,
MAKE HIS PATHS STRAIGHT.'" (Mark 1:3 NASB)

I'll be the first to admit that I am in fact a distinct person, someone who is unlike most others, and I believe that God has made me so for a reason, just as he has made each of us unique. I don't mean to criticize those who follow fashion trends just because they're fashion trends, or those who have not taken the time to evaluate who they truly are and (if Christian or otherwise spiritual), how they fit into God's plan.
If you look throughout the Bible, there are times when masses of people are used for God's glory, and also times where the acts of one or two people create the downfall of entire houses or civilizations. God uses a plethera of ways to influence the world, and while we can understand that His ways are huge and definately beyond our comprehension, at times you have to sit back and marvel at what He does.
John the Baptist... what a distinct and unique person. Never mind the eating locusts, or the camel hair and leather. Think about this: he was crying out in the wilderness. One man. Big place. God's chosen mechanism to usher in the savior of the world, and he chooses someone we would probably lock up and drug up today. Why not use a great mass of people? Maybe a few trumpets, like back in the good ol days of Jericho? You'd certainly get a little more publicity than one person yelling in the middle of nowhere, especially with such an important event as the savior of humanity coming forward.
But God didn't. He gave us one man in the wilderness, a man who ate the pests which destroyed good crops and wore camel hair as clothing (which gives me hope as a person with a non-conformist attire). John was loud and he was effective, even when he was preaching from the pulpit of nowhere to a group of people who couldn't understand the full ramifications of what he was doing.
Now there is no wilderness, nowhere we can go which is desolate enough to require a John the Baptist; or is there? We live in a society where less people have a knowledge about Jesus, and more people think it 'cool' to throw insults at Christians than validly evaluate the faith we have (not that I'm complaining). Let's be that voice in the wilderness, that one faint sound in the middle of a parched desert of spirituality, the slight hope of light and peace in such seas of darkness and confusion. People will look at you strangely, but we have to keep crying out in praise of the only being deserving of it. If you have hesitation, think of it this way: if you do not show Jesus's love to those around you and, if they are ready, show them the hope you have in Jesus, who will? Who will?

One slip-up

2006-03-11T01:50:00.000-08:00

I feel very bad about what has gone on in the organization I preside over, and even worse that I didn't do what should have been done to prevent it. I am the president of the Residence Hall Association at SFU, a student government within the university's residences, and we put out a newsletter to the undergrad residences every month which we try to fill with events happening in residence and various entertaining items (or entertaining to the person making it). March's newsletter had some content in it which I would not repeat; safe to say that the glance I had of it after it was printed and reprinted on many hundreds of pages should have made me send it to the recycling bin as it in no way reflected what I want the organization to stand for or to be.
Yet I didn't stop it, and this worries me because it tells me that I can't respect my own values and intuition to follow them when a situation comes up where social pressures tell me to act against my values. It may be over-dramatic, but it reminds me of the quote from Edmund Burke, "All that is necessary for evil to succeed is that good men do nothing." For many years, I've tried to be the person who does something in the face of challenged values (of course all the while accepting the assumption, albeit perhaps true, that I am one of those "good men"); and now I have experienced the pain of doing nothing, and to offer some advice, if you feel your values being challenged, do something about it. Whether that is questioning why you value that thing or if it's saying no to the face of a group of people who would have you go against that value, do it. The moment you do nothing, someday it will come back and you will have this feeling in yourself like you have invalidated your own principles...
Well, that's enough self-pity. Please take what advice I have in this case, as the same situation could happen to you, and I pray you would do differently.

On why to be a Christian

2006-02-16T12:35:00.000-08:00

I've heard many reasons for people being Christians. My own reason came about because of God's never-ending love for me and his incredible ability to speak to me at just the right time. Other fascinating reasons have to do with drug addictions, logical deductions, or even just one significant person mentioning a church somewhere or a youth group elsewhere.
One thing I would like to tell all to-be Christians and even some people who know the faith but maybe don't have the personal relationship with Christ for one reason or another: do not take it on unless you know it is your decision, that you have examined everything you need to and despite some small doubt some fearful person gave you, you have decided for yourself that Christ is your savior.
Some might ask why I, a professing Christian and as such someone who wants to spread the gospel as much as possible, would want to tell people to question their initiation to faith. The reason for this is that people who come to faith just because it's a social thing to do are not typically in the habit of sticking to the faith when the going gets tough.
Whatever your reason for believing (or not, if that's the case), please ask yourself if it is based in some form of social pressure, because at some point in everyone's faith they are put to the test, and you, not your friends or your parents or your pastor, will have to get through that test, and if your faith is based on anything but Christ and the relationship you have with Him, you will find the test easier to give up on than you could have possibly expected.

Odd but valid question

2006-02-15T13:46:00.000-08:00

I have this odd tendency which seems to be either more prevalent in my life or I'm just becoming more conscious of it, so I ask you this question. Please answer it before you read on:

If you know something is inconstant, is it right to distance yourself from it or not value it as much as something you know is constant?

Ok, since you now have that opinion, I'll tell you my difficulty: I know that some friendships I have will not last. It's not that these relationships will explode at some point, it's more of a slow withering which occurs and which I have observed in many interactions I have with people. After this realization, it seems best to create an emotional distance from those relationships which would only serve to (at worst) hurt both individuals or (at best) be a slight obligatory misuse of time.
The difficulty with all this is that I know the logic of it, but something in me can't accept that this is how a healthy individual should be treating those around her or him. I'm hoping some input from someone will give a bit better light on a problem which has kinda haunted me for a long time.

2006-02-15T11:16:00.000-08:00

Sunrise

2006-02-15T11:14:00.000-08:00

West Coast Trail gang

2006-02-15T11:13:00.000-08:00

My Dad

2006-02-15T11:11:00.000-08:00

A great sea of cloud

2006-02-15T11:10:00.000-08:00

Me and my Brother Andres at Trophy Mountains

2006-02-15T11:09:00.002-08:00

Sunset from Mountain

2006-02-15T11:09:00.001-08:00

Grouse Grind... Never shoulda stopped, really

2006-02-15T11:09:00.000-08:00

Sunset from Burnaby Mountain Park

2006-02-15T11:07:00.000-08:00

Me looking fancy

2006-02-15T11:05:00.000-08:00

During sledding... in shorts and a hawaiian t-shirt

On being 21

2006-02-15T01:54:00.000-08:00

(this is transferred from my MSN space... I was told that one isn't very good, so I came over here)

Hey Anyone,

No idea who's gonna read this; probably no one.
I turned 21 on Saturday. Yes, many people are surprised that I am so young as well as that my birthday was not widely celebrated, but I'd like to speak to one thing which I believe should hit every person at 21: what are you doing? At this point in life the gloves are off, I can now go to the states and drink with the best of them. More importantly, there is a number of people out there who may see 21 as a magical age which now means I am a "man", as though this gender and sex definition did not apply to me beforehand. I suppose that I could have been (and still may be) called a child before my birthday, but what has really changed? Also, what does being a "true man" entail? My mail hasn't been working great in the past little while, so if there's some sort of manual detailing my new responsibilities, I won't get it for a bit... I don't think that it'll arrive anyways. It's silly to assume that all of the sudden I'm a new person; I am who I have always been: an impermanent form of what is to come. As is with many people, there are times when I demonstrate the behavior I would wish to show for my entire life, and other times which I really wish didn't happen. God, knowing exactly what I need, has revealed that I won't always be clumsy with words, not always brutal with feedback, and not always negative in opinion; yet the change always happens slowly, with each increasing increment of self-knowledge and devotion to God.
In the end, being 21 doesn't mean a thing. I am now past two decades of age, and there is more ahead of me than behind me. Being who I am, I am truthfully frightened of what's to come, because I inevitably know what it's going to be.
I only pray that acheiving the great prize of living for 21 years will inspire me to pick up the responsibility I have left slacking, and become the man I know God has it in store for me to be.